Old letter to myself

6 09 2017

I always do this and end up feeling incredibly shitty on so many different levels. It’s as if I come out of a trance and I think, God, who was that? What did I just do? Why did I do that? And I keep telling myself it won’t happen again, that I’ll be smarter and wiser and so much better and maybe it’ll last for a while. But then I always end up slipping up and feeling like I betrayed myself.

I think part of it is the horrible guilt after, but more recently, it’s been about STIs. I usually have no idea if they’re clean or not, and I almost always forget to ask before it happens. It doesn’t even cross my mind. It’s frightening.

How do I allow others to take advantage of me so easily? I’m getting better at it, but honestly, I think I need to be empowered to tell someone no and to walk away after. But it’s never easy as that, is it? It’s not enough to be aware of it. I have to do it. Or learn to. So I don’t end up feeling so miserable and sad and like I’d just been sexually assaulted, which, in some ways, I suppose I was. Like when the guy started riding me without a condom and didn’t say anything. And I didn’t say anything until a couple minutes in. And yeah, at least I did it and stopped him, but I expect better from myself. don’t others as well? I don’t want to be easy; I don’t want to just sleep with whomever puts their hands on me.

I’m getting better. I know that. And if I were more objective, I’d tell myself I was proud of myself for accomplishing that at the very least. But I really don’t want to feel this shitty and just so goddamn used like this. It should needs to stop. Ugh.

Sincerely,

Fucked-up Aaron

Advertisements




The complicated journey towards identity as a gay Canadian man of colour

11 07 2017

Man, it’s really been a while since I’ve posted. Here’s a quick post about my newest piece, a personal essay about figuring out how to reconcile a tri-cultural identity.

Any thoughts or comments? Post below!

Source: The complicated journey towards identity as a gay Canadian man of colour





I’m on Goodreads!

20 05 2017

Follow/add me on Goodreads! I feel like a real author now! 🙂

https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/15282271.Aaron_Chan





I don’t understand people.

16 02 2017

[About two days’ with of relatively engaging, interesting chat on Grindr later]

Me: Do you like cuddling?

Him: Of course. Who doesn’t?

Me: Some people don’t. I think they’re lizard people.

Him: haha, lizard people is right.

Me: I also once converted a non-cuddlier into a cuddle fanatic.

Him: hahaha, look at you go!

Me: Would you like to cuddle sometime?

[No reply for several hours]

Me: [in an attempt to not come off as a slut] Or we could go for coffee/drinks first before jumping into bed.

[No reply for several more hours]

[He’s logged in, hasn’t responded]

Me: is that a no?

[Conversation disappears: I’ve been blocked (or he deleted his account, who knows)]

I don’t get it. I thought it was going fine. Did I do something wrong?





Poop.

6 01 2017

Beep bleep bobbity boop grr arrrgh attack attack attack!





More resolutions!

3 01 2017

8. Get twice as many followers on Twitter (currently, I have 27, so 54.)*

8a. Tweet as least once a day.

9. Get twice as many followers on Instagram (currently, I have 10, so 20).*

9a. Post at least one photo/video a day.

10. Go to bed before 11pm at the latest.

11. Stop procrastinating when it comes to replying to messages and emails because I always end up forgetting.

*Probably the most difficult goals since I suck at this social media shit. Help!





Resolutions

1 01 2017
  1. Exercise (of course). Find something I like and do it somewhat consistently.
  2. Start and finish writing that YA novel.
  3. Work on shorter pieces and send more stuff out –> Get at least one freaking piece published this year!
  4. Write a little every day. Maybe even wake up a teensy bit earlier to do some exercise and then freewriting and/or working on other writing.
  5. Travel more.
  6. Spend more time with cat. Meow.
  7. Make more lists because I actually am able to accomplish things on them.