I don’t understand people.

[About two days’ with of relatively engaging, interesting chat on Grindr later]

Me: Do you like cuddling?

Him: Of course. Who doesn’t?

Me: Some people don’t. I think they’re lizard people.

Him: haha, lizard people is right.

Me: I also once converted a non-cuddlier into a cuddle fanatic.

Him: hahaha, look at you go!

Me: Would you like to cuddle sometime?

[No reply for several hours]

Me: [in an attempt to not come off as a slut] Or we could go for coffee/drinks first before jumping into bed.

[No reply for several more hours]

[He’s logged in, hasn’t responded]

Me: is that a no?

[Conversation disappears: I’ve been blocked (or he deleted his account, who knows)]

I don’t get it. I thought it was going fine. Did I do something wrong?

Sexual racism encounter #74

On Grindr:

Him: I’m Italian Canadian. What’s your ethnicity?
Me: (hesitantly) I’m Chinese. May I ask how old you are?

Five seconds later, the conversation disappears. I’ve been blocked.

Tinder

A friend of mine was showing me Tinder and how she had more than 800 matches. I admit: I was jealous. There was no way in hell I would ever have 800 conversations on Grindr, not even close to half that. But seeing her matched with some admittedly attractive guys got me hoping that it could also happen to me on Tinder. After all, there were bound to be more guys on Tinder, which meant more potential matches. I wouldn’t have to talk with 50 year old men if I didn’t want to. It sounded great.

Then I realized one crucial thing: she was a Korean woman, desired by many straight men. I was a Chinese gay man, desired, based on experience, by much fewer. Without getting into sexual politics and preferences/requirements and the differences between heteros and homos, I realized being gay and Asian is always going to be an uphill battle no matter the app, dating site, lot otherwise.

I’ve an app exactly like Tinder on my phone but for gay men called Surge. It currently has great reviews in the Play store, so I gave it a try. I swiped right for so many profiles when I first got started, and then waited impatiently for the matches to appear. I got very few in return, to the point where I wondered if something had gone wrong. I had liked countless guys but had matched with a small handful… Which meant that the majority of them had no interest in me. It was a really saddening conclusion.

So wouldn’t Tinder just be the same? They always say it’s better to try because at least you know.

I already know.

Why?

Did you find my words and my skin and decide they were both tainted?

Or was my negativity in believing myself not to be a poet too much to handle?

Could it be that you decided I was a directionless deadbeat who pathetically still lived at home because I work on-call and don’t have a regular work schedule?

Yes, it has been more than two months.

And yes, it still bothers me.

You shouldn’t have kissed me if you didn’t mean it because now I end up seeming insane
still
askingWhy?

Funny cool poster

This poster is really cool and I think indicative of the coolness of Washington state. I wish I could attend. They make dating sound so nice!

Week-long date with my book

I’ve been away from it for a while, and I recently realized that I need to spend some time getting to know it and what it wants to be. I thought I had it figured out, but then I realized that there were some things I didn’t know, some other stories it wants to tell. Also, I gotta get out of my house because my cat and reachable food is too distracting. So I’m going to take my computer and sit with my book in a cafe somewhere and figure it out.

Should be a hot date.

Chances

The chance of me getting a guy’s phone number: 0.0001%

The chance of me getting a guy’s phone number in a sauna: -15.3%

And yet, I did tonight. And I didn’t even have to resort to violence or threats!

Two hellos, two goodbyes

Be proud of who you are, they all say.

My friend John seems to meet guys often from online.

Sometimes, I wish I weren’t Asian.

Or I guess if I could wish anything, I would wish that people not have hangups about race.

But I guess that’s what I get for living in North America.

Two hellos, two silent goodbyes,

and one older man asking to have sex with me at work today.

And you wonder why I have no self-esteem.

Gay dating woes

Is there something wrong with me? – 19 (Coquitlam )

Do you ever wonder what the hell is wrong with you? Why you’re the one that’s stuck single?
Well I do. And often.
What makes the other guy so special? Why is he with him and not me? In my case I feel it has to be something more than good looks because I know I have physical appeal and I also know what type of guys I like.
I’m gay, 19, and live in Coquitlam. I expect nothing from this post other than an open forum to hopefully sympathize with others.

In my past I’ve had one serious relationship. It lasted approximately 3 months. I was his first guy, and the first guy he introduced to his family. It died off pretty fast as we were in different stages of life and had different interests and priorities. This was over a year ago. Since then I’ve had multiple casual intimate encounters with several different guys (I’m pretty comfortable with myself). Some were super hot and some not as much. But they all never once struck me as “boyfriend material” as we like to say. I’ve also been through some painfully awkward dates. Still, no results.

So, like any other, I’ve resorted to this, and grindr, and plenty of fish, and checking missed connections. Desperate right? I’m not really looking for nsa sex, it doesn’t interest me.

Why is it that most gays are scared of commitment and , or is it just that we are all just too egotistical to even meet each other on a friend to friend basis without having to know who’s top and who’s bottom.

Regards, the confused gay.

My response:

Hey there,

First of all, no, there is nothing wrong with you. Also, I’d point out that you’re 19 and although you may feel like you’ve been single forever, you still have a lot of time. Sure, I was a bit desperate when I started dating at 19, especially seeing my friends in relationships and me trying and failing time and time again. But you still have years to date and find someone (or, let’s face it, possibly continue being single too).

I don’t think there is just one reason why it’s so hard to find a decent guy in this city. Part of it is where you look. Grindr and Craigslist don’t exactly attract guys looking for relationships (guys on Plenty of Fish are more serious though, but of course luck is involved). And maybe the simplest answer is that there are so fewer gay guys than straight guys that it also means there are fewer good gay guys. Unfortunately.

Why are guys scared of commitment? Again, I think it’s a number of different things. Part of it is that they simply don’t want relationships. I think a lot of guys have been hurt in relationships and are in a sort of in-between stage, where they’re just floundering around, hooking up while also looking for a relationship and hoping their sexual adventures lead somewhere. That’s where I was a few years ago (and sort of still am, to a much lesser extent). Lastly, I think the perception of other gay men plays a big part in what we want for ourselves. If all gay guys are out having NSA sex and this is perceived to be the norm, then others might do the same. I don’t know for sure how gay men view long-term relationships, but I can see some thinking that it’s too much effort, that they don’t want to get tied down to anything when there are so much hot guys out there to bang, or that they work so much that they don’t have time for a relationship (a friend of mine has claimed this). There’s a plethora of reasons out there.

Sorry to hear things haven’t been going that great. I completely understand and empathize with you. Gay men are shallow pigs, most of whom don’t know how to spell and have proper grammar (though I suppose most guys in general are like that). That’s the way things are, unfortunately. That being said, I’ve met a lot of cool gay guys who I can say are my friends. Not many, but at least I know they exist (and I didn’t have to know their sexual position either). It’s just hard to find the right circles where you fit in.

When those guys you had “intimate encounters” with not come across as boyfriend material to you? I have a theory about dating that I could share with you and I think it would be helpful, but it’s getting a bit late and since I’m an old man, I gotta go to bed soon (I’m not actually that old! I just turned 26 a few days ago), so I can tell you some other time if you’d like. In the meantime, I hope some of what I said was applicable to your situation in some way. Have a good night, and talk with ya later

Cheers,

Aaron

Nevermind

Mom was ignoring her date’s phone calls this morning. I think she’s the type of person who finds it annoying if contacted too much. She probably thinks it’s suffocating. Or maybe she’s just using him to eat at McDonald’s like she apparently did last night.

God, I hope he doesn’t read this.