Old letter to myself

I always do this and end up feeling incredibly shitty on so many different levels. It’s as if I come out of a trance and I think, God, who was that? What did I just do? Why did I do that? And I keep telling myself it won’t happen again, that I’ll be smarter and wiser and so much better and maybe it’ll last for a while. But then I always end up slipping up and feeling like I betrayed myself.

I think part of it is the horrible guilt after, but more recently, it’s been about STIs. I usually have no idea if they’re clean or not, and I almost always forget to ask before it happens. It doesn’t even cross my mind. It’s frightening.

How do I allow others to take advantage of me so easily? I’m getting better at it, but honestly, I think I need to be empowered to tell someone no and to walk away after. But it’s never easy as that, is it? It’s not enough to be aware of it. I have to do it. Or learn to. So I don’t end up feeling so miserable and sad and like I’d just been sexually assaulted, which, in some ways, I suppose I was. Like when the guy started riding me without a condom and didn’t say anything. And I didn’t say anything until a couple minutes in. And yeah, at least I did it and stopped him, but I expect better from myself. don’t others as well? I don’t want to be easy; I don’t want to just sleep with whomever puts their hands on me.

I’m getting better. I know that. And if I were more objective, I’d tell myself I was proud of myself for accomplishing that at the very least. But I really don’t want to feel this shitty and just so goddamn used like this. It should needs to stop. Ugh.

Sincerely,

Fucked-up Aaron

Aug. 25, 2015

I want to start writing a journal but the thought of physically writing it is seems so lugubrious that I thought I might try to type it out on my blog. If things get too personal, I may have to resort to writing in my real journal. So now we start…

Worked this morning at 9am. Got to work a minute or two late, but no one came to open the door after knocking several times. Finally went around to the side of the building to see if anyone was in and saw a co-worker talking with someone sitting down at a desk. Felt disrespected, like they were ignoring me on purpose (for all I know, they could’ve been). Knocked louder and someone finally came.

Everything was fine as usual for a while. Two kids came in and had very loud indoor voices. The grandma for one of them was there and was constantly telling them to be quiet and not talk so loudly but they completely ignored her. I went over and told them to keep it down. Which of course they didn’t. But the thing is, they were completely oblivious to the fact that their conversational voices were too loud. No self-awareness. And even when patrons shushed them, they still continued. I’m not sure they even know how to be quiet.

One lady came up to me and told me they were “not reading” and were “just playing around”. I told her I had talked to them already but that they don’t have to be reading to be in the library, and that since the library is a public place — and that we have games that kids can play — they are allowed to be in here. I went over again to tell them to keep it down, and when they saw me, one of them looked at me and said, “Be quiet. I know.” It still continued.

When my hour on desk was up, I told my co-worker about the kids, who had now moved over to the adult/general area and were bothering adults on the computer stations. She told me the library doesn’t have a real policy for noisy kids, but that we tell them to keep it down ourselves and if they’re still noisy and/or a patron complains, we get the librarian to come and shush them. I told her someone complained to me earlier when the kids were in the kids’ area and she told me to get the librarian, since he knows the kids (who are regulars). I watched him tell the kids to shut up (nicely).

Was planning on catching Phoenix at the Rio theatre tonight at 7pm. Wanted to use my Groupon but needed someone to go with me. Everyone seemed to be busy (Jacky: kickboxing; Curtis: saying goodbye to a friend; Jord: multiple excuses that came off as trying to find some sort of excuse to say no while also conveniently mentioning his boyfriend), out of town (John), unresponsive (Jay, Melissa, Miles), or just straight up didn’t want to go (Philip: apparently not in the mood for a German film, whatever that means). This is why I don’t like doing things with people. You can’t rely on them. The only person I can rely on is my cat. I was really disappointed.

I finished dinner late-ish so I would’ve been late getting in to the theatre anyway. Felt so bummed I wanted to stay home like a hermit for the week but I signed up to work a whole bunch so I can’t. Watched more episodes of Inside Amy Schumer and made popcorn and devoured it like I was actually watching a movie. Who needs friends when you can sit at home for hours in front of your computer and then blog about it?

I’m just writing something so I can read and go to bed

I wonder if I should start keeping a journal. I’d imagine it’d be useful since I’m a creative non-fiction writer, but I feel like my everyday life is so mundane, there wouldn’t be anything to write about. Ie. I went to work. It was busy/fine/normal. I came home, had some food, played Age of Empires, watched a movie, procrastinated working on my memoir, then went to bed. Man, what an exciting life I lead.

Teenage journal

Reading it again is a bit surreal and definitely embarrassing, to say the least. In some ways, it’s difficult to believe I ever wrote some of this stuff because most of it is so bad, but it’s also hard to remember how I was mentally. And then to reflect on that and how I am now…

Reading over old diary entries

Isn’t it kind of depressing?

In all fairness, it completely depends on your childhood and your entries, but man, from the way I detail everyday events, my life sounded pretty horrible. I think I just felt powerless — at home, at school, with my crushes — and apparently my mom yelled at me a lot. I wonder if I should include that in my memoir…

In any case, I’m really glad I had a journal(s). Did you keep journals growing up? Were they helpful in any way?

Thanks, but no thanks

Got another (quick) rejection yesterday, after submitting a couple short stories to a literary journal.  I didn’t think I would get published, but I thought it would be a good opportunity to submit nonetheless, so I wasn’t very disappointed or upset that my stories didn’t get picked.  Anyway, I know my fiction writing isn’t my strongest, but I’m working on it.

Oh well.  Time to make myself fat by eating ice cream cake.  Yay!

The Wannabe-Filmmaker’s Guide to Making a Short Film — 5 days to go

Updates:

No new official crew updates today, although I did get an email from someone about being an Art Director. We’ll see how that goes.  I also forgot to mention my good friend and former co-worker Chris might be able to “lend a handy hand”, as he called it.  He’s good with pretty much all positions so I’ll just say he’s a wildcard.

Crew update:
Director: me!
Cinematographer: Joe
1st Camera Assistant: Chris
Gaffer: Zac

Drivers:
Elaine
Kelvin?
Chris?

To be filled in:
Makeup
Sound
Gaffer/lighting
Art Director
Camera op.
EPK
Stills photographer
1st AD

Got distracted today and didn’t get to look for a frame.  I should really stop doing that.

I also added the role of still photographer to the list, which means I have another person to look for.

For all those who actually have producing experience: is $200 to use someone’s place for a film shoot for a day a reasonable offer?  The woman whose place we’ll be shooting in has also suggested $300 if we are to be needing both weekend days.

Is it wrong of me to want to negotiate with her?  I mean, I’m more than willing to pay her something — of course she should get something.  But $300?  Hmm… my gut feeling says it’s quite a bit.  I’d feel more comfortable paying $200 for both days, but I think I need other opinions.

I also spent the day sending out emails to some old film friends to see if they’d be up for helping out.  I got one response back, and he’s in Japan.  So not going well so far.

Perhaps tomorrow will be more productive since it’s a weekday.  Let’s hope so.

PS.  If this experience has taught me anything, it’s that I really dislike producing.  Part of it is not knowing anyone/anything.

Should I be concerned about how this is all happening?  I’m sure I’ll start panicking later.

The Wannabe-Filmmaker’s Guide to Making a Short Film — 6 days to go

After turning on my phone this morning, I get a text from Joe, saying the following:

My Ear infection spread to my throat and it started to swell up so I had to go to the hospital.

My immediate response was something along the lines of, “When did you have an ear infection??  Also, OMG!!”

But seconds later, another text popped up:

But I’m better now.  It’s like that time we filmed the pill movie and I had no voice.

Six days to go and I have an almost-mute cinematographer with an infection.  Just what I need.

Updates:

We have a gaffer!  YES!!!!  (courtesy of Joe) We may also have a driver, my friend Kelvin, to help get equipment on Friday (courtesy of me).

Crew update:
Director: me!
Cinematographer: Joe
1st Camera Assistant: Chris
Gaffer: Zac

Drivers:
Elaine
Kelvin?

To be filled in:
Makeup
Sound
Gaffer/lighting
Art Director
Camera op.
EPK
1st AD

I posted an ad for an Art Director on craigslist.  No response as of yet.

Was supposed to go shopping for a photo frame but didn’t have enough time, as I had to send out frantic emails to the woman whose house we’ll be using for the shoot.  Eventually, she texted me tonight about things, and mentioned a “rental fee”, which of course, I completely forgot about.  If I were to be writing a guide book, one of the things I’d advise wannabe-filmmakers to be aware of is paying people — everyone associated with the shoot.  Not just cast and crew.  And paying doesn’t have to be money, either.  It can be food, or copies of DVDS, or a credit on IMDB or something.  You gotta work that out.  But be aware that people will probably expect something from you, unless you’ve made it perfectly clear that you are a dirty broke artist making a film for absolutely no money.

Joe said the total for the equipment rentals is about $144, which isn’t too bad, really.  I don’t mind paying it, if it’s what we need to make a good movie.

Since I have the day off tomorrow, hopefully we can sort out some more details.  Let’s hope no one else gets any infections.

The Wannabe-Filmmaker’s Guide to Making a Short Film — 7 days to go

This has taken forever.

Obviously not forever, but months — half a year, to be precise — certainly seems forever.  I’ve been planning this short film project for almost a year now.  It was supposed to be filmed in the winter of last year, but due to many, many issues, most of which were my fault in one way or another, it has been postponed again and again.

Until now.

My cinematographer, Joe, has finally given me the thumbs up to proceed filming on the weekend of the 21st and 22nd of this month, which is next weekend.  We, thus, have 8 or so days before filming begins.  This isn’t so much a guide to making a short film as it is a document about how things are going (probably for the worst) to the lead-up to the shoot, our progress, and planning.

A bit about the project: it’s a silent film titled June.  The story is about a ghost who, in the middle of the night, tries to communicate to his still-alive lover by attempting to play piano.

Here’s our confirmed cast and crew so far:

Cast:

Ghost: Kam
Man:  Jordon

Crew:
Director: me!
Cinematographer: Joe
1st Camera Assistant: Chris

Drivers:
Elaine

To be filled in:
Makeup
Sound
Gaffer/lighting
Art Director
Camera op.
EPK
1st AD

I think that’s it.  There actually might be more crew positions, but I’m not super knowledgeable about crew positions like Joe is.  As you can see, we still have many crew positions to fill.  Most of them are being handled by Joe, who actually knows film people, whereas I, the writer, know, well, writers.  I did find the actors though!  I get points for that, right?

Other things:

Food:

We also have food to take care of.  We’ve got an idea of what we want, but need to get ingredients.  Since the shoot is next week, we can put that off until the day before.

Props:

Almost have everything.  Need to get some flowers, a 5×7″ picture frame, and a (preferably) red point and shoot camera.  The last one might be hard, apart from going to Bestbuy and buying one, then returning it when we’re done.

Music:

Right, I gotta re-record some music for the film.  Thanks for reminding me, me.

Transportation:

We need a few people to help transport people and equipment.  My dear friend Elaine is up for it, which I very much appreciate.

As Elaine told me, I have a lot of work to do.  I thought about this all earlier, and I wondered if all short films are this rushed and crazy.  I think so.  But then I think about people like Jason Karman, who seems super organized and has things planned months in advance and I think, “But…. wha?!  How????”

Here’s to the film project that will, fingers crossed, come together in seven days.  *fingers crossed*