I always do this and end up feeling incredibly shitty on so many different levels. It’s as if I come out of a trance and I think, God, who was that? What did I just do? Why did I do that? And I keep telling myself it won’t happen again, that I’ll be smarter and wiser and so much better and maybe it’ll last for a while. But then I always end up slipping up and feeling like I betrayed myself.
I think part of it is the horrible guilt after, but more recently, it’s been about STIs. I usually have no idea if they’re clean or not, and I almost always forget to ask before it happens. It doesn’t even cross my mind. It’s frightening.
How do I allow others to take advantage of me so easily? I’m getting better at it, but honestly, I think I need to be empowered to tell someone no and to walk away after. But it’s never easy as that, is it? It’s not enough to be aware of it. I have to do it. Or learn to. So I don’t end up feeling so miserable and sad and like I’d just been sexually assaulted, which, in some ways, I suppose I was. Like when the guy started riding me without a condom and didn’t say anything. And I didn’t say anything until a couple minutes in. And yeah, at least I did it and stopped him, but I expect better from myself. don’t others as well? I don’t want to be easy; I don’t want to just sleep with whomever puts their hands on me.
I’m getting better. I know that. And if I were more objective, I’d tell myself I was proud of myself for accomplishing that at the very least. But I really don’t want to feel this shitty and just so goddamn used like this. It should needs to stop. Ugh.
Sincerely,
Fucked-up Aaron
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