Old letter to myself

I always do this and end up feeling incredibly shitty on so many different levels. It’s as if I come out of a trance and I think, God, who was that? What did I just do? Why did I do that? And I keep telling myself it won’t happen again, that I’ll be smarter and wiser and so much better and maybe it’ll last for a while. But then I always end up slipping up and feeling like I betrayed myself.

I think part of it is the horrible guilt after, but more recently, it’s been about STIs. I usually have no idea if they’re clean or not, and I almost always forget to ask before it happens. It doesn’t even cross my mind. It’s frightening.

How do I allow others to take advantage of me so easily? I’m getting better at it, but honestly, I think I need to be empowered to tell someone no and to walk away after. But it’s never easy as that, is it? It’s not enough to be aware of it. I have to do it. Or learn to. So I don’t end up feeling so miserable and sad and like I’d just been sexually assaulted, which, in some ways, I suppose I was. Like when the guy started riding me without a condom and didn’t say anything. And I didn’t say anything until a couple minutes in. And yeah, at least I did it and stopped him, but I expect better from myself. don’t others as well? I don’t want to be easy; I don’t want to just sleep with whomever puts their hands on me.

I’m getting better. I know that. And if I were more objective, I’d tell myself I was proud of myself for accomplishing that at the very least. But I really don’t want to feel this shitty and just so goddamn used like this. It should needs to stop. Ugh.

Sincerely,

Fucked-up Aaron

The Ethical Slut

Excellent, logical, and informative book. Also, I had no idea cuddleparty.com was a thing but now I’m intrigued!

Why is it so hard to have a sex dream?

Seriously. More often than not, something annoying comes up and then I get distracted and have to deal with some other problem.

Last night, I was lucid for a bit, and then proceeded to try and grab some hot guys to take to my room up on the sixth floor (of some massive building, something like an opera house). I found one guy, then two more (as a sidenote, in my dreams, I love how guys are gay if you want them to be gay). We headed over to the elevators but they were out of order. I looked up, and the fifth floor above us was basically a gaping, crumbling hole. There was a shuttle elevator that went all the way up to the sixth floor which was oddly placed at the plaza outside of the central library. When we got there, there was a line up of people. All of a sudden, our priority was getting on this elevator (which was more like an aquarium tank with holes on the side than an elevator). One of them got angry at me when I missed going into the elevator, so the next time it came around, I hopped into it right away. No one else seemed to be able to get on, so I was on the elevator alone. As it started going up, I got the feeling that something wasn’t right — then the elevator slowed down, and started falling back down…

And then I woke up. But how disappointing was that? I was so ready to have hot imaginary sex with four hot guys… only to be foiled by elevator troubles. Ugh. I think next time I should just grab some guys and do it right then and there. Who cares about privacy? Let’s see if that works tonight.

That awkward moment

when someone you know replies to your Craigslist sex ad.

Uninteresting sex

Went to a bathhouse yesterday and found myself disinterested in everything around me, which I thought was interesting. I wonder if it was because I wasn’t in the right mindset (read: horny) to enjoy getting groped by strangers in the dark and listening to guys blow each other in the steam room. Maybe I’m just over this gay hookup sex thing. (In which case, hooray!)

Two hellos, two goodbyes

Be proud of who you are, they all say.

My friend John seems to meet guys often from online.

Sometimes, I wish I weren’t Asian.

Or I guess if I could wish anything, I would wish that people not have hangups about race.

But I guess that’s what I get for living in North America.

Two hellos, two silent goodbyes,

and one older man asking to have sex with me at work today.

And you wonder why I have no self-esteem.

Straight guys suck

They’re fantastic kissers, but then they get stupid after sleeping with you. Maybe it’s watching Orange is the New Black and feeling like I could sass the world if it ever got in my face, but as I learned today whilst text-arguing with a straight boy, I’m tired to slinking away the wounded party and taking things personally. It’s your fucking fault if you think it’s “inappropriate” to go to a movie with me if you’re seeing someone. How is it inappropriate? What the fuck do you think will happen? That I’ll hit on you and break you two up? Which, by the way, implies that you’re not as straight as you claim, if all it takes is a movie to get you playing on team Gay. You chose your sexuality, but that doesn’t mean you gotta be a jerk about it. Clearly, it still bothers you — I bother you. But then again, you won’t have had a few drinks like last time before you were finally able to be around me, so I guess that says something about you.

I’ll always remember you telling me that blowjob I gave you was in your top 5. Can she beat that? I wouldn’t put my money on it.

“Your pic gets mine”

Fuck, I hate that stupid phrase, said by “discreet” (aka cowardly, paranoid) guys who also usually insist that they’re bi or straight. Straight guys always complain about how straight girls create so much drama, but fucking gay guys do too — and I don’t mean the stereotypical, flamboyant gay guy. It’s these self-proclaimed “masculine” — whatever the fuck that means — turds who continue to perpetuate this idea that being gay is such a scary, unwanted thing that god forbid you send a picture first. But no, you just want to judge people first, as if you’re soooo hot, hiding behind your misspelled words and general stupidity.

Screw you guys, I’m going home.

Abstinence

Thinking about becoming abstinent for a while. Partly because I haven’t been feeling very sexual lately (I wonder if it’s my frustration and boredom of guys coming off as boring and/or douchey and/or sketchy), and partly to stay away from STIs and all that because that stuff can be pretty scary. We’ll see how long I last…

What does this mean?

Let’s say you message someone online or through an app, and you both get really into the conversation, replying to each other’s messages quickly. The conversation gradually steers from general chit chat to more sexual stuff, and you end up talking about all the dirty things you want to do to each other. This person says they can meet you the next day to do said sexy things, and you get really excited about it because aside from the conversation being really hot, this person doesn’t come off as a complete moron (and it doesn’t hurt that they are good-looking).

The day comes and you’re super excited until class finishes so that you can meet them. When you do, you end up having a great time; yes, there was sex with plenty of making out and all that, but it was different in that instead of tearing off each other’s clothes and going crazy like you might have thought, it was slow, unrushed. It seemed passionate.

When things were done, you put your arms around them and fell asleep a bit, something that never happens when hooking up. You had to get home though, and they offered you to stay the night. It was sweet gesture, you thought, but maybe some other time.

The next few days, you want to meet up again but they say they are busy. At one point, they pointedly say something along the lines of, “I don’t want to do stuff with you again” and offer to be friends.

So I’m confused. What does this mean? Are they just being a complete jerk? Am I wrong for getting upset? Was there really not much there to begin with? But how to explain the sleeping over thing? I feel like such a girl about feelings and shit when apparently no gay guys out there care about stuff like this. It affects me a lot, more than anyone really knows. And if I bring it up, I seem like an emotional, clingy weirdo, but I feel like it’s society that has conditioned people to think feelings and talking about them are weird.

Ugh. Fuck.