Old letter to myself

I always do this and end up feeling incredibly shitty on so many different levels. It’s as if I come out of a trance and I think, God, who was that? What did I just do? Why did I do that? And I keep telling myself it won’t happen again, that I’ll be smarter and wiser and so much better and maybe it’ll last for a while. But then I always end up slipping up and feeling like I betrayed myself.

I think part of it is the horrible guilt after, but more recently, it’s been about STIs. I usually have no idea if they’re clean or not, and I almost always forget to ask before it happens. It doesn’t even cross my mind. It’s frightening.

How do I allow others to take advantage of me so easily? I’m getting better at it, but honestly, I think I need to be empowered to tell someone no and to walk away after. But it’s never easy as that, is it? It’s not enough to be aware of it. I have to do it. Or learn to. So I don’t end up feeling so miserable and sad and like I’d just been sexually assaulted, which, in some ways, I suppose I was. Like when the guy started riding me without a condom and didn’t say anything. And I didn’t say anything until a couple minutes in. And yeah, at least I did it and stopped him, but I expect better from myself. don’t others as well? I don’t want to be easy; I don’t want to just sleep with whomever puts their hands on me.

I’m getting better. I know that. And if I were more objective, I’d tell myself I was proud of myself for accomplishing that at the very least. But I really don’t want to feel this shitty and just so goddamn used like this. It should needs to stop. Ugh.

Sincerely,

Fucked-up Aaron

What does this mean?

Let’s say you message someone online or through an app, and you both get really into the conversation, replying to each other’s messages quickly. The conversation gradually steers from general chit chat to more sexual stuff, and you end up talking about all the dirty things you want to do to each other. This person says they can meet you the next day to do said sexy things, and you get really excited about it because aside from the conversation being really hot, this person doesn’t come off as a complete moron (and it doesn’t hurt that they are good-looking).

The day comes and you’re super excited until class finishes so that you can meet them. When you do, you end up having a great time; yes, there was sex with plenty of making out and all that, but it was different in that instead of tearing off each other’s clothes and going crazy like you might have thought, it was slow, unrushed. It seemed passionate.

When things were done, you put your arms around them and fell asleep a bit, something that never happens when hooking up. You had to get home though, and they offered you to stay the night. It was sweet gesture, you thought, but maybe some other time.

The next few days, you want to meet up again but they say they are busy. At one point, they pointedly say something along the lines of, “I don’t want to do stuff with you again” and offer to be friends.

So I’m confused. What does this mean? Are they just being a complete jerk? Am I wrong for getting upset? Was there really not much there to begin with? But how to explain the sleeping over thing? I feel like such a girl about feelings and shit when apparently no gay guys out there care about stuff like this. It affects me a lot, more than anyone really knows. And if I bring it up, I seem like an emotional, clingy weirdo, but I feel like it’s society that has conditioned people to think feelings and talking about them are weird.

Ugh. Fuck.