Old letter to myself

I always do this and end up feeling incredibly shitty on so many different levels. It’s as if I come out of a trance and I think, God, who was that? What did I just do? Why did I do that? And I keep telling myself it won’t happen again, that I’ll be smarter and wiser and so much better and maybe it’ll last for a while. But then I always end up slipping up and feeling like I betrayed myself.

I think part of it is the horrible guilt after, but more recently, it’s been about STIs. I usually have no idea if they’re clean or not, and I almost always forget to ask before it happens. It doesn’t even cross my mind. It’s frightening.

How do I allow others to take advantage of me so easily? I’m getting better at it, but honestly, I think I need to be empowered to tell someone no and to walk away after. But it’s never easy as that, is it? It’s not enough to be aware of it. I have to do it. Or learn to. So I don’t end up feeling so miserable and sad and like I’d just been sexually assaulted, which, in some ways, I suppose I was. Like when the guy started riding me without a condom and didn’t say anything. And I didn’t say anything until a couple minutes in. And yeah, at least I did it and stopped him, but I expect better from myself. don’t others as well? I don’t want to be easy; I don’t want to just sleep with whomever puts their hands on me.

I’m getting better. I know that. And if I were more objective, I’d tell myself I was proud of myself for accomplishing that at the very least. But I really don’t want to feel this shitty and just so goddamn used like this. It should needs to stop. Ugh.

Sincerely,

Fucked-up Aaron

The complicated journey towards identity as a gay Canadian man of colour

Man, it’s really been a while since I’ve posted. Here’s a quick post about my newest piece, a personal essay about figuring out how to reconcile a tri-cultural identity.

Any thoughts or comments? Post below!

Source: The complicated journey towards identity as a gay Canadian man of colour

Men’s Volleyball

More about regular things instead of me holding up books I’ve read.. I feel like that would be more of a tumblr thing. Then again, you can do anything you want to WordPress so I really shouldn’t care.

I’ve been watching Men’s Volleyball, particularly our Canadian team, and being so impressed by them. They’ve been so inspirational — although I think it primarily is the game itself rather than the teams — that it’s made me want to take up volleyball again. I haven’t played since high school but I was always decent. I remember being frustrated at my classmates/teammates because I longed to have an actual rally between the two teams but it never got further than one or two hits and then the ball would inevitably hit the floor. I know I can be very competitive and driven, and I think it would definitely help if were I to start playing again. The only thing that frightens me about the sport is having a hard ball come flying at your face at 100+ km/h. And the giant smashes that I’ve been witnessing on TV. Jesus.

I looked up some volleyball drop-ins/courses at the community centres around town and I think I should register. It’d be great to play again, even if it ends up being just like high school where I serve ace after ace (which, trust me, gets boring after a while).

Also, whenever I watch this — and I must’ve watched this clip about 7 times now — I get so pumped, it surprised me.

Tinder

A friend of mine was showing me Tinder and how she had more than 800 matches. I admit: I was jealous. There was no way in hell I would ever have 800 conversations on Grindr, not even close to half that. But seeing her matched with some admittedly attractive guys got me hoping that it could also happen to me on Tinder. After all, there were bound to be more guys on Tinder, which meant more potential matches. I wouldn’t have to talk with 50 year old men if I didn’t want to. It sounded great.

Then I realized one crucial thing: she was a Korean woman, desired by many straight men. I was a Chinese gay man, desired, based on experience, by much fewer. Without getting into sexual politics and preferences/requirements and the differences between heteros and homos, I realized being gay and Asian is always going to be an uphill battle no matter the app, dating site, lot otherwise.

I’ve an app exactly like Tinder on my phone but for gay men called Surge. It currently has great reviews in the Play store, so I gave it a try. I swiped right for so many profiles when I first got started, and then waited impatiently for the matches to appear. I got very few in return, to the point where I wondered if something had gone wrong. I had liked countless guys but had matched with a small handful… Which meant that the majority of them had no interest in me. It was a really saddening conclusion.

So wouldn’t Tinder just be the same? They always say it’s better to try because at least you know.

I already know.

Made someone cry today

But in a good way!

I read a short, sad monologue to nine people today and one of them cried. He apologized, and when I told him it was okay because I wanted people to cry, he responded, “Bitch!” He was great.

Mission accomplished.

How to tell you’re back in Vancouver

1. Someone on the plane (in first class) wants to put their briefcase in the overhead compartment but people are still boarding in the aisles. You stop, gesture to him to proceed. He glances at you with a blank look, puts his briefcase away, and sits back down without any more acknowledgement or thanks.
2. In the washroom at the airport after disembarking, you’re heading inside for a quick pee. Someone goes into the handicap stall and immediately, someone else starts yelling at him.”Hey, that’s my stuff!” a man wearing all white shouts at the first man. He gestures to a shopping cart full of knickknacks parked outside of the stall. “Don’t touch my stuff. It’s taken me a very long time to get everything. Can’t you see all my stuff?””I’m sorry,” the man apologizes. “I didn’t know you were using the stall.”

   “Are you blind? My stuff is all here,” he retorts. “That means someone’s using it, ya idiot!”

   The man in white continues berating the other man, who now clearly wants to leave the washroom but still needs to do his business at the same time. Meanwhile, everyone else at the urinals pees uncomfortably as the man’s voice echoes throughout the room, and you can’t help but think to yourself, Yep. Definitely back in Vancouver.

 

 

Leaving on a jet plane

And of course the day I vow to start blogging regularly again, I fail to remember I’m leaving to Halifax for a week. I feel like I’m bringing a lot of stuff, and now I’m paranoid that my luggage weighs too much, so I took out a pair of pants and a shirt which seems to have eased my mind, at least for the time being.

So long, Vancouver! Even though it’s only for a week, I’ll be glad to be rid of you for now.

Distractions galore

First I was listening to Classical music. Then it stopped and I wanted to listen to something a little different so I randomly started listening to the Edge of Tomorrow soundtrack. But it wasn’t that great and I thought, Definitely not Hans Zimmer. Then I started listening to Interstellar (again) and it was great. Then I started getting bored so I found a Hans Zimmer collection and started listening to that. But some of it wasn’t that interesting. And then I thought, Hey, that waves scene in Interstellar was pretty cool so I watched it again. And then I thought, Hey, that docking scene was pretty cool too and I watched that too. And of course I read all the comments because you have to when you watch a video. Then I watched the Ending scene because it was in the related videos.

And now it’s time for bed. So productive!

I love Powell’s Books

Excitedly ran around in the store today and ended up buying $60 worth of books. Money well spent, I like to believe.

I feel like I should take more pictures but it never occurs to me to do so.

Funny cool poster

This poster is really cool and I think indicative of the coolness of Washington state. I wish I could attend. They make dating sound so nice!