What to say to people when you have no compliments

4 07 2016

An older Chinese lady came up to the desk and was speaking to my colleague. She helped this lady with whatever it was she needed help with. The lady said, enunciating every word, “You have a bright smile” with a Chinese accent. My colleague laughed and thanked her. The lady repeated the phrase again: “You have a bright smile” before explaining that it’s a nice thing to say to people.

My colleague left the desk and I took over. The lady continued, “But you don’t tell men they have a bright smile.”

I laughed. “Well, that’s not fair.”

“You tell them, ‘You are great!'” she replied.

And since my family seems to think I’m the world’s biggest douche, even more so than Donald Trump, for joking that I didn’t like my cousins shirt (yes, really), next time, I’ll just say, unenthusiastically, “You. Are. Great.”

Unwanted book

31 01 2016

Man: I got this book for Christmas and I don’t want to read. Do you guys want it?

[Man hands me the book]

Me: Uh… a donation? Sure?

Rich: We can use it when we run out of toilet paper. Or better yet, we can use it in place of toilet paper right now!

Joke no more

7 01 2016

Patron: I’m returning these books but I noticed that this one wasn’t on the checkout receipt.

Me: Oh, okay. [in a highly, highly joking voice] It’s because you’re a thief! Haha.

Patron: That’s a mean thing to say.

Me: I was joking, I didn’t mean it.

Patron: If I was a thief, I wouldn’t be bringing this book back.

Me: Well, yeah, exactly.

[I check the book in]

Me: Okay. It’s fine.

Patron: What you said was actually really insulting.

Me: It was a joke! I was kidding!

Patron leaves in disgust while I consider never joking at work ever again.

Best line

20 07 2015

Without giving me his library card or anything, a guy comes up to the desk and asks, “Is my book in yet?”

Handsome guys at the library

18 07 2015

I wish I could step out from behind the desk and help them find their books. And then, when we’re alone, they’d ask, “Do you want to go out sometime?”

I also have to fight the urge to just blurt out before they leave, “You know you’re really handsome!” and then look around like someone else said it.

Why do people think this is acceptable?

11 07 2015

Really? Ugh.


Crafting with Cat Hair

8 07 2015

Leave it to the Japanese to come up with using your cat’s fur to make things.


Peek Inside the Private World of Public Sex

26 02 2015

There’s a whole section about bathhouse etiquette, rules, and expectations. Wish I had read it before I went and felt shitty.

The 5-Minute Facial Workout

25 02 2015

If there aren’t already, someone should make youtube videos of themselves doing these workouts because I want to laugh at them.


Why is the Penis Shaped Like That?

19 02 2015

For those who ever wondered.