Straight guys suck

22 10 2014

They’re fantastic kissers, but then they get stupid after sleeping with you. Maybe it’s watching Orange is the New Black and feeling like I could sass the world if it ever got in my face, but as I learned today whilst text-arguing with a straight boy, I’m tired to slinking away the wounded party and taking things personally. It’s your fucking fault if you think it’s “inappropriate” to go to a movie with me if you’re seeing someone. How is it inappropriate? What the fuck do you think will happen? That I’ll hit on you and break you two up? Which, by the way, implies that you’re not as straight as you claim, if all it takes is a movie to get you playing on team Gay. You chose your sexuality, but that doesn’t mean you gotta be a jerk about it. Clearly, it still bothers you — I bother you. But then again, you won’t have had a few drinks like last time before you were finally able to be around me, so I guess that says something about you.

I’ll always remember you telling me that blowjob I gave you was in your top 5. Can she beat that? I wouldn’t put my money on it.





I killed a cat

21 10 2014

In my dream last night. It was attacking me and I had to go in through this door to safety but it just wouldn’t leave me alone so I had to kill it with the closest thing to me — a small sofa. I lifted it up and hit the cat a few times with it until it lay on the ground, and yes, I felt terrible because I love cats, even evil, killer cats. There was a lot of other weirdness about the dream, like going through the door and having to memorize a nine or ten digit sequence in order to get through the next doors to safety, where the world had not been ravaged by a plague, but I only had so many tries before I wouldn’t be able to get in the door anymore, so I was knocking on the door so that someone could open it and just let me in, which ended up happening… at which point I think I woke up in a sweat because the door sequence thing was quite stressful… or perhaps some other horrible stuff happened that I no longer remember, which could be a good thing, and wow, this entire paragraph is one clusterfuck of run-ons.





Why did I ever doubt you, Sarah McLachlan?

20 10 2014

To think I was put off by the $110 ticket to watch you live (although I agree with the husband of the couple sitting next to me who complained, “$110 for a ticket? We should be sitting in the front row!”). How could I have even thought about missing a show from the most important musician in my life since I first heard “Building a Mystery” way back when? Oh, Sarah. Forgive me for my hesitance until the day before to finally give in and buy the experience to hear you hit the crazy-high notes on “Fear”, to have my eardrums blasted out on several songs, and then be invited along with the rest of the audience to sing “Ice Cream.”

I’ve missed out on so much. At least if tonight proves anything, it’s that you’re not a god after all. Or at least paying $110 to watch a god is a pretty good deal.





Proud of my bathroom

19 10 2014

Okay, correction: proud of my *clean* bathroom. Sounds stupid, I’m sure, but I take pride in seeing a sparkling bathroom that I cleaned with non-toxic, biodegradable cleaners. Who knew baking soda could be so useful (and cheap!) in cleaning a shower?

And now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to pee everywhere and make my bathroom filthy because I’m a man.





Too difficult to write

18 10 2014

I have a memoir piece that I’ve been thinking about for a while and I know it’s a really cool idea because the structure is different than a typical memoir piece. But writing about my ex is province more difficult than I thought/want it to be. Maybe it’s that it still makes me sad and angry whenever I think about him. I tried continuing today and I just couldn’t and ended up staring into space like a catatonic.

Why must things like exes exist? Sigh.





Not in the nick of time

18 10 2014

Is there an expression that means just right after the deadline? ‘Cause I seem to do that a lot. I just submitted that play I’ve been working on (and still didn’t manage to finish) at 12:00am. I think the deadline was 11:59pm the previous day and I now I feel like a moron for not having sent it earlier. Ugh. Why does this alwayssss happeennnnn????





Burn

16 10 2014

I want to burn
with a flamethrower
all the impurities/
imperfections/
diseases/
scars
on my skin
watch it smolder
and cackle as it devours and heals me








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