Already May?

It’s the last day of April today, which I find hard to believe. I’m 27 for a moment…

So much time

Now that I don’t work nights, I don’t know what to do with my newfound freedom. I know I should write and I will eventually get to it, but Orange is the New Black is much too tempting (and easy) for me.

These weeks seem longer than last year

Maybe it’s just the way I’m remembering everything.

My mind moves like a snail.

Time goes slowly for me

I sometimes forget that things progress faster with others than for me, so that when I find out a friend is seeing someone, I’m surprised, and little jealous.  But it’s only been… months, I think to myself.  How did things go by so quickly?

But it’s not that things move quickly for them; things change slowly for me.  I wonder why this is.  I wonder if it’s because I’m hesitant to meet new people, or I don’t make an effort to follow up with certain people after meeting them, or I’m not assertive enough.  In my mind, I don’t know what people are thinking though.  Maybe they don’t want me to be in their lives.  Maybe they aren’t actually interested in me.  Maybe I’m trying too hard.

One of my friends really believes in the saying “sometimes he’s just not that into you”, believing that if someone likes you, they’ll make an effort to pursue you.  But since my efforts are apparently too much, I hold off, and then they go and things progress without me.  I feel like if I don’t contact people, they will forget me because no one really “pursues” me.

A guy I’m seeing told me he had a bad dream where I disappeared somewhere and he was slowly losing his memory of me.  And though he tried to fight it, he couldn’t, and was sad.  I told him, “that sounds like reality.”  And I believe this because I’ve seen it happen.  I’ve felt it.  It is experience.

30 seconds to 5 minutes

I give you more than a blackjack,
never believing the cards you hold
is a bluff.
Because why lie on a day a mere six calendar pages back when
you and I once walked on an overcast day, feet from the Indian restaurant on Main Street with the savoury samosas you like so much,
while my doubts cast their spell on me before I asked,
“So… are we boyfriends?”
And even after more than a fortnight of already sensing the answer,
I waited x number of days for you to reveal that we were in fact a pair.

Months later, when days out together fade into nights alone,
I stand still — at least still receiving words from you or your filtered voice celebrating us both for another milestone.
Countless twilights go by, and the worst thing you say stings my ears — silence.
I expected it before but not from you,
my loyal, warm husky.

Perhaps time is not on my side,
and the sounds and words that once trickled like honey from you I must play and bet to earn,
since anything between 30 seconds to 5 minutes
simply costs too much.

Dream 5

Dream 5

As usual, I have no idea how this began, but I found myself in my old house, hiding from these Nazi soldiers who were patrolling the area.  Eventually, I found this general or some guy who was pretty high up in rank and he had a gun.  However, I had no weapon on me.

He shot me but I somehow was able to pause the scene — I think I said “Stop” or “Pause” or something — slowing down the bullet as it traveled for my head and altogether stopping the bullet as well as everything else happening around me.  With everything frozen in time, I repositioned the bullet so that it was facing the Nazi’s face and resumed the scene.  Everything sped up and returned to normal speed and the bullet his him in the face, I think in the cheek.  Blood gushed out and he screamed, but mostly what I was concerned about was that he was still alive and that he might try to shoot me again.  If so, I wasn’t sure I could freeze time like I just did.

And of course he did shoot at me again, as he was now on his side from the pain.  And again, I was able to slow down time and the bullet, reposition it towards his brain this time and then start everything up.  This time, it did hit him in the head and he appeared to be dead.  Immediately, I grabbed the gun away from him and, making sure he was definitely dead, attempted to shoot him a few more times.  But there didn’t seem to be any bullets left.  I swore there were at least two left and when I opened the gun up, I did see that there were two bullets left.  My sister Florence was there as well and she told me I had no bullets, but I knew I did.  So I tried to shoot him again, shooting and shooting to no avail.  I don’t know why.

Still not convinced that he was dead, my sister offered to burn his body.  While she doused him and a bunch of other random objects (I think a snake was in there too) with gasoline, I tried to light the bonfire with a lighter — not one of the little ones, but the big ones with a handle, like this one:

Except this one was a blue/green, the same one we have at home.  So I was trying to light it but again, it didn’t seem to work.  There wasn’t much of a spark and furthermore, what spark I did get from the lighter resulted in small flames in the bonfire.  Eventually, my sister lit a match or something and tossed it in there, helping to spread the fire.  I watched as the Nazi’s body and the rest of the junk lit up, but saw that his body wasn’t burning as much as everything else.  I told my sister to light his body up but she said it was fine, that I was paranoid and that he would be dead.

So I watched and watched and as the flames eventually died down, his body transformed itself into a black cat (or some sort of other small, black animal) and it ran out the door.  I remember feeling really angry at my sister for not listening to me and also the fact that this Nazi guy was still alive, albeit in a different form.

“Time” — Hans Zimmer (Inception Original Soundtrack)

Since the nominations for the Oscars a few days ago, I decided to take a listen to some of the nominees for Best Original Score.  I have seen How to Train Your Dragon, The King’s Speech, and Inception but seem to be the only person not to have seen The Social Network yet.  127 Hours is also a film I wanna watch though the prospect of watching James Franco cut off his arm is a little off-putting at the moment.  Anyway, I remembered that there was quite a good melody/theme in Inception, and since it had been a while since I saw it, I went on the awesome site that is youtube to hear the soundtrack.

Although I absolutely love the pulse-pounding Inception theme in “Dream is Collapsing”, I particularly like the nostalgia and the emotional impact of “Time”, the closing track on the soundtrack and if I remember correctly, also played during the end credits of the film.  Although I do feel like Inception lacked strong emotional connection with the characters, this track almost (*almost!*) makes up for it.  It’s slow and contemplative in the beginning, add in the orchestra later and it bursts into true Zimmer spirit.

(Eww.  I just had a kettle corn kernel and it tasted like a cherry tomato… yuck.)

I’ve always been a fan of Zimmer, and I think this is a better, more rounded soundtrack than Sherlock Holmes.  I have a feeling this won’t win the Oscar for original score but oh well.  This is a great score nonetheless.

tImE

More bad high school, teenage poetry.

tImE

Not unlikely that time
will stop for me; so
insignificant and dumb that I
don’t really Derserve such great power
such as time stopping
time warping
time travel
for me, no… never