Teenage journal

Reading it again is a bit surreal and definitely embarrassing, to say the least. In some ways, it’s difficult to believe I ever wrote some of this stuff because most of it is so bad, but it’s also hard to remember how I was mentally. And then to reflect on that and how I am now…

Independence

Q: “Feeling conflicted these days? Can’t wait to be on your own, but don’t want the responsibilities that go with it?”

A: For once, I would like the chance to be independent. I want to get away from people for just one day. Gah! That and I don’t want to be around my mom and sisters anymore.

Hmm. That’s more or less still true these days.

The Future

Another one of my musings from the point of a high school senior.

Q: “What do you enjoy doing now? If you had a crystal ball, what might you see yourself doing as an adult?”

A: “My possible future? Well, I want to get a record deal and work with producers and songwriters. What will likely happen is I’ll go to university and become nothing, really.”

Oh, how optimistic I used to be.

Goals back in high school

While I was cleaning earlier today, I came across my old agenda from high school. Most of it was boring crap about assignments, but every so often, I answered the philosophical questions posed by the makers of the agenda, usually in some sort of angsty way.

One was about goals and being driven to do stuff. The question they ask is “Did you record a goal last month? Great, have you started moving on it yet? No? Then it’s time to create a game plan. Write in your baby steps here:”

Here’s what I wrote.

1. Get money.

2. Go to a store.

3. Buy a new life.

4. Apply liberally.

5. Enjoy the outstanding effects!

Oh, how witty my 17 year old self was.

First online blog

I forgot I had a Livejournal account.

There are only two posts, but even reading them, it’s really strange. I know who this person is yet he doesn’t feel like someone I used to be. I’m not sure how to describe it.

This entry is dated May 15, 2005:

So here I go…my first entry. I may as well make it something to remember. I highly doubt anyone is going to read this at all but at least it gives me something to do for the time being and if for whatever reason someone does decide to stumble across my journal, you’re up for a real treat.

If anyone is wondering about this maniac that’s writing in this thing, well, I’m 16 (turning 17), a student (well, duh) that isn’t doing as well as before because, well, I’ve discovered a little thing called existentialism; basically, for all those who don’t know, it is the belief that life is meaningless and god does not exist. And although I am actually Wiccan, i don’t actually believe there is a god…let’s leave that for another day. My family is breaking from the already broken state (my parents are separated, but I don’t know why they just don’t get divorced), my older sister has moved to Alabama, my twin sister is at war with my mom, and I’m constantly unsatisfied with my “life”. Ugh… onto today’s stuff!

I got up an hour earlier for my (math) tutoring lessons with my tutoring, (btw, she happens to be my cousin). Yay…math. I go every week but end up forgetting everything by the next week and failing tests…actually, I only failed the last one, but that one was hard!!!! Anyhooz, I got another test tomorrow, so I should do some homework by tomorrow. After that, my mom came in and told my aunt that I was going to Richmond after to play piano and get this trophy for getting the highest mark for my grade 10 piano exam. My aunt congratulated me for my result and said she was extremely proud of me, which I was flattered. So my grandpa/ma, other aunt/uncle/cousin/ and mom all piled in my grandpa’s van and drove out to Richmond. My twin sister refused to go and see my play; she claimed she didn’t want to go so far and had stuff to do. My mom got angry at her for that but let it slide fairly easily. We arrived 30 minutes before it started and got front row seats (it’s in a church). After waiting, the programme commenced and started with the little kiddies, beginning with grade 1, ending at grade 10. On the programme list, it turned out I was last to perform out of 29 people. I patiently waited and waited for my turn and after what seemed like forever, it finally came down to me. I got up, bowed, and sat at the piano. I thought about what I was going to do and started playing. But by the end, I had made so many mistakes, I was smiling all over. At every mistake I made, I would smile and mouth words to myself, like, “that’s not what it’s supposed to sound like!”, which I found amusing. My uncle was filming my whole performance and he got me smiling and all. Then came the worst part: pictures! So much flashing! I felt like I was being snapped from all over, and the people were paparazzi or something. Since my score was tied with Cindy, another one of the performers, we had to share the trophy. She didn’t care who had it first/last, so I took it. After a lot more pictures, we departed.

My mom suggested going for bubble tea so we did. Then, we all walked to a nearby mall and decided to get our photos developed, which took about an hour, but since everyone was running around from one store to the next, it took many hours. I was listening to some bands playing in the mall and the first one was a rock band, and they were really entertaining. Then after they left the stage, I thought it was over, but a group of three Asian guys got up and started playing/singing and it was so bad! I mean, the guitar playing was fine but they had the music in front of them…so unprofessional! And after this medley of chinese songs, they played an english song, which i could not understand any of the words, but I knew it was some kinda mushy love song, which I nearly gagged at. After another song, we finally left the mall for home.

I found my sister at home watching “The Simpsons” so I joined her, even though I was mysteriously sleepy after drinking bubble tea. Only about half an hour later, we had to leave once again to go to my grandma/pa’s house for dinner. My sister didn’t want to come again and this time, my mom got angry at her. [I’ll skip the dinner part]. We left at 7:00 and I came home to the computer. My sister was watching a movie of some sort and is probably still is.

I think I should ask Jordan out on Tuesday (or the next time I see him). Oh yeah, Jordan is a guy in Grade 10 (one year younger) who runs really, really fast and takes grade 11 French. I usually go to his classroom every other day, and I find him looking my way sometimes. Also, his mom was talking with me at a track meet one time, and that got me thinking that perhaps he likes me, even though I shouldn’t assume anything, because it’s never gotten me anywhere. I don’t really care if he isn’t gay, but I’m doing it because I want to find out if he really likes me or not. *Sigh* I shouldn’t me driving myself crazy just thinking about asking a guy out, which I haven’t done before… so I’m kinda nervous.

I’ll probably chicken out in the end…unless someone convinces me.

~~Pride_penguin

Untitled

Found this while fixing a drawer in my table.  From 2003, and it must’ve been written during one of my nights at Cadets with my friend Athena.

Untitled

As the soldier marches on the field,
the screams of terror grow.
Not a person does his gun yield.
How did we sink so low?
Piles of bodies lying everywhere,
puddles of ruby liquid on the ground.
No doctor to seek for care,
musical notes of pain is the only sound.
The rumbling of tanks on soil
as scary as an earthquake under my feet.
Everywhere I turn there is turmoil,
and there is barely anything to eat.

Spork

Day 2 of the festival for me, but really Day 4.  Only got to watch one movie tonight because I have an exam at 8:30 tomorrow morning.  Again.

Synopsis:  A teenager hermaphrodite named Spork must learn how to dance for the upcoming school Dance Off and defeat her enemy– the uber bitchy Betsy Byotch and her group of cronies.

Super awesome things: the throwback to ’80s and ’90s music and culture is really cool.  The film is drenched in nostalgia and faded colors that could’ve fell flat on its face but it works.  It’s glitzy, glamorous (aestetically speaking), and all the characters are ones you love or you love to hate.  Spork, played by Savannah Stehlin is great and understated in the title role as the extremely awkward and quiet hero of the film.  Despite the fact that she is only 15 — as is the case for many of the other high schoolers in the film — and that they look noticeably younger than, say, the “kids” on Glee, what doubts I had of their talents were cast away when the actors danced, sang, and acted with such ease.  This is largely due to the humorous script of writer and director J.B. Ghuman Jr., who has a good balance between comedy, believable (ie. not melodramatic) drama, and coming of age scenes that work cohesively to cement the themes of the film.  Even during serious scenes, Ghuman Jr.’s wicked sense of humor reminds us to not take the film too seriously (in one scene, Spork runs home crying and along the way, kicks a dog who barks at her, or the very last scene of the film which I won’t spoil).

Not so awesome things: The film appears to be set during the ’80s sometime, what with the big hair-dos and undertones of post-Civil Rights Movement, but then Charlie, Spork’s romantic interest, mentions Justin Timberlake, which places the film much later.  When is really taking place?  It’s not a make-or-break question by any means, but it did leave me questioning things.  Other irks that I’ve come across among other reviews for the film suggest that it’s been done before– the outcast, freakish hero/heroine vs. the popular kids, a la Juno, Mean Girls, etc.  And I have to agree with that; although Spork may not have a completely original plot and the structure is largely the same as other teen movies, what makes the film stand out from those other ones are the characters.  That being said, I know some people may have issues about how clearly stereotypical it makes Black people (they’re all good at dancing, they’re all sassy) that at times, it almost comes across as offensive, but because of the light tone and how everyone was laughing, I guess that makes it okay somehow?  Sort of?  Another review I read commented on the film’s lingering on scenes, and it was particularly evident when Spork and Tootsie Roll go to the dance club.  Sure, there were some crazy lighting, color, and slow-mo experimenting in those scenes, but it did feel a little redundant.  And finally, despite me cheering her on throughout the film, the climax of the film, at the Dance Off, is a little too convenient.  I suspended my belief for almost 80 minutes but there’s only so high I can do it.

Good for watching: for a nostalgic trip.

Overall: A hilarious, quirky comedy that has the potential of becoming a cult classic.  I’d recommend it to youth thoroughly.

Grade: B

Chicken Soup is still good?

Recently, I found an listing on QLit for true stories (I’m thinking creative non-fiction here) and poems dealing with being gay/coming out to be submitted for publication for the next Chicken Soup book.  My first thought after reading the ad was, “It’s still popular?  Really?”

I remember when they used to be super popular many years ago and how there were so many variations and books out there.  I never got into the fad but I did take a look at one of the many editions of the Teenage Soul books to see if there was anything queer related in there, and of course there wasn’t.  Mostly, I think the perception of the books being super straight and about girly stuff (“I have a crush on this super cute guy at school, omg, hehe!”) that put me off reading it all.

Anyway, I’m in the process of writing something to submit to them since they apparently pay $200 if you do get published.  Sounds like a good deal to me!  Will update this later when I have/have not finished it.

Desperation

March 1st, 2005

Desperation

As I sit here,
trying to get over the fact that I need you,
It fills my mind; you fill my mind.
I know it’s cliche but
even the sight of you
relieves my addiction to you.
But only for so long,
until I have to get over my desperation
for you.

Patterns/Untitled

Long, long ago, in a basement in East Van, my friend Bekki and I were fidding around with my keyboard while her seemingly schizophrenic cat would jump on our backs, embedding her claws into our skin.  I had suggested previous times for Bekki to write a song, since she was a singer and a pianist like me, but she never seemed driven to do so (also she claimed she wasn’t a songwriter even though she had never actually attempted to write a song).  But this time, for whatever inspired reason, Bekki took out her notebook or random writings over the last many years and we began to deconstruct some interesting lines of her poetry to construct the lyrics of a song.

While I worked on the music, she continued working on the last bits of lyrics, and eventually, this untitled song was born.  Unfortunately, we both thought it was terrible (especially the ending) and it was never performed in public.  That being said, I still remember how the song goes, even after these years…

Bekki had tentatively named it “Patterns” but I don’t quite agree with that title, so it’s still just “Untitled” to me.  Behold my first collaborative effort!

Patterns/Untitled

So it begins anew,
I start high but fall in rank.
So far behind, yet I run when called.
Detach me from reality.

You are simple but confusing:
A blank voice pulled aside from memories.
Stab my heart, but it’s too late,
Or maybe I’m just weak…

CHORUS
This bitterness, my only bliss,
this unrequited love.
The filtered sounds give names for tears,
City lights bind all my fears.

Never meant to drown the stars.
Come with me, rewrite these scars.
‘Cause time just seems to slip away,
I lose myself when you’re not here.

So it begins anew.
I started high but fell….