I disappear.

6 07 2012

“Haven’t heard from you in a while.”

“You disappeared there for a bit.”

I did?  What about you?  Why is it always on me to be present in people’s lives?  Things like this just add to my feeling of being expendable to a lot of people, of not being of much value.  And yes, I know I am being self-critical, but it’s how I feel.

If I mean something to you, and if you have in fact been wondering where I am or noticed that I disappeared, why didn’t you try to contact me?  Is it because I’m usually the one contacting others so that when they don’t hear from me, they wonder, “Oh, that’s odd.  I wonder why Aaron’s not usually bombarding me with texts.  It’s a shame I’m too busy with my life to check up on him myself.  Oh well.  Hopefully he’s not dead or anything.”

Is it just because you just don’t care to say hello every now and then?  Or as my blunt friend Brian seems to keep reminding me, he’s just not that into you? (You being me, in this case)

Is there a balance with every single person as to what is enough contact — not too much to be considered disappeared but not too much to be overwhelmed?  I don’t know if there is.

Perhaps I should just disappear and stay that way.

Silence has always been handed to me in pocketfuls.  Maybe it’s time I gave it back to you for all I’ve lacked.

And if you care, then show me.  Otherwise, I won’t know.

30 seconds to 5 minutes

23 03 2011

I give you more than a blackjack,
never believing the cards you hold
is a bluff.
Because why lie on a day a mere six calendar pages back when
you and I once walked on an overcast day, feet from the Indian restaurant on Main Street with the savoury samosas you like so much,
while my doubts cast their spell on me before I asked,
“So… are we boyfriends?”
And even after more than a fortnight of already sensing the answer,
I waited x number of days for you to reveal that we were in fact a pair.

Months later, when days out together fade into nights alone,
I stand still — at least still receiving words from you or your filtered voice celebrating us both for another milestone.
Countless twilights go by, and the worst thing you say stings my ears — silence.
I expected it before but not from you,
my loyal, warm husky.

Perhaps time is not on my side,
and the sounds and words that once trickled like honey from you I must play and bet to earn,
since anything between 30 seconds to 5 minutes
simply costs too much.