Eavesdropping

I felt guilty today for looking at the guy’s phone next to me on the bus but I’ve been encouraged to listen in on people’s conversations because it serves as good stories. I couldn’t really see what he was texting but at one point he texted in all caps to a group conversation and then a word vertically,

L
I
K
E

T
H
I
S

like a youtube comment. I’ve never seen that before on a phone. People are so strange. I feel so old and old-fashioned.

I disappear.

“Haven’t heard from you in a while.”

“You disappeared there for a bit.”

I did?  What about you?  Why is it always on me to be present in people’s lives?  Things like this just add to my feeling of being expendable to a lot of people, of not being of much value.  And yes, I know I am being self-critical, but it’s how I feel.

If I mean something to you, and if you have in fact been wondering where I am or noticed that I disappeared, why didn’t you try to contact me?  Is it because I’m usually the one contacting others so that when they don’t hear from me, they wonder, “Oh, that’s odd.  I wonder why Aaron’s not usually bombarding me with texts.  It’s a shame I’m too busy with my life to check up on him myself.  Oh well.  Hopefully he’s not dead or anything.”

Is it just because you just don’t care to say hello every now and then?  Or as my blunt friend Brian seems to keep reminding me, he’s just not that into you? (You being me, in this case)

Is there a balance with every single person as to what is enough contact — not too much to be considered disappeared but not too much to be overwhelmed?  I don’t know if there is.

Perhaps I should just disappear and stay that way.

Silence has always been handed to me in pocketfuls.  Maybe it’s time I gave it back to you for all I’ve lacked.

And if you care, then show me.  Otherwise, I won’t know.