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I can try my hardest but there is no avail.

I can reach out to people but nothing will come of it.

Does fat have fun with my sadness or am I simply unlucky?  When everything leads to nothing, where am I?

I stand here, unmoving, unadvanced, while the path that once lay in front of me gets buried by the sand.  There is no road for me — only loneliness.

Am I to be eternally plagued with misfortune, to be tempted by a dangling hope, only to have it snatched from me?”

“Just kiddin.”  It’s nothing.  It’s life.

While the world goes on and people find themselves and each other, I am left standing here, standing but fractured.

People crash into each other every day and find someone to hold on to.

Everyone lets go of me.

Their excuses bounce off me, one after another, each carrying their version of hope, bright and welcoming in my eyes.  But they depart, leaving me to watch them go, taking the hope with them.

Here I continue to stand.

Waiting for the next one.

Astronaut

Astronaut

Once an unadventurous astronaut alone in the universe;
now a troubadour,
with a cautious but solid tune,
searching through unknown jungles to find an answer.
A weighted soul now free from purgatory,
looking for others bearing synonymous scars.

You’d read it all on scraps
the logical promise of discovering a civilization
heard tales of other beings out there…
but is it merely hearsay?
only finding those who possess marks
of a different brand
open and welcoming to a foreigner
and it’s all very well
but the solitude sinks and collects down in you
specks of sand separating from standing mud.
Residual.

Still an astronaut, only now
searching for life out in the blue vastness
somewhere?

Naturally alone

I first came out when I was 14.

I told my mom at 16.

I told my dad at 18.

I am 21 years old now, and I’ve been in one relationship that lasted 4 months.  To me, the math doesn’t add up.

Throughout my years, I’ve read countless books about gay youth and adults alike.  A lot of gay teen novels (and true stories as well) involve a guy meeting another guy who “knows” and they go off and elope or whatnot.  In my case, nothing near that has ever happened.  Was it wrong for me to think that after I came out, I’d meet more gay folks like myself and amongst them, maybe find someone I could really see myself with?  I didn’t think so.  It seems quite logical and judging by the frequently told stories of fiction and non-fiction, it would seem to be reality.

But it didn’t happen to me and I’ve really wondered why.

I wouldn’t catergorize myself as a real Chinese person, since I don’t necessarily follow the customs and my Cantonese isn’t the greatest.  I don’t have much, if any, “honger” friends because they’re just not my crowd.  On the other hand, I was born here and would identify myself more Canadian than Chinese but I’m not completely white-washed.  I also don’t have a lot of Canadian (ie. caucasian) friends and I can’t help but feel like my ethnicity is partly at fault for this.  Sure, a large part is due to the fact that I can be shy around people (which is natural), but is it something deeper?  Am I being stereotyped as a typical Chinese (ie. “honger’) simply because I’m Asian?  And since Asians carry a certain type of idea (ie. awesome at math, mediocre English, bottoms who are into white guys/older men), maybe I get lumped in with that.  Otherwise, what else is there?

I like to think that I’m somewhat interesting; I have an interest in artsy things and I have a decent kind of humour.  I’m a really good listener and I’m a romantic, despite being a little jaded.  But perhaps all these work against me.  And I don’t think I’m completely hideous either.

My conclusion: perhaps I’m this weird mish-mash of Chinese and Canadian that people don’t know how to deal with.

I don’t appeal to the Asians because I’m not really Asian (also, I find there is a little bit of a language barrier because some guys are learning English and it’s obviously not the same) and everyone else thinks I’m just another Chinese guy without giving me the chance to really show them otherwise.

I think a significant part is also that people are sexually racist, and I’ve seen it.  Go on craigslist to the personals.  In the men for men section, you don’t have to click on many adds until you find one that says “I’m not into Asians.  No offense, it’s just a preference.”  Well, I, for one, am offended.  Eliminating an entire race sexually like that is ridiculous to me.  Not all Asians are the same, as caucasians, blacks, etc.  Even before I say “Hi.  How’s it goin?”, I’m not going to be considered.  My friends tell me people are douches, and yes, in this case, they are.  One friend told me that these people aren’t worth my time; but similarly, I’m not worth theirs.  And I don’t find this fair.

Perhaps this sexual racism carries over to people long term relationships.  I message people who I think are interesting (there really aren’t that many people) who seem friendly enough and say things like, “If you wanna know more, just shoot me a message :)” and I take that as my cue to say hi.  But despite my wittiness and personalizing each message, the majority of the time, I don’t receive a response, which leads me to think not what is wrong with them, but what is wrong with me.

Am I not even worth a conversation?  Maybe I’m not just their type, and I can understand that.  But if they’re excluding me simply because of a stereotype or because of race, well, I can’t help that.

You would think I shouldn’t care about this.  But I do.

Every time I send a message to someone, I think about whether or not they’ll respond.

I still hold my breath.