Paralyzed by sadness

Writing this creative non-fiction piece that never seems to finish is slowly making me sad. I know I’ve written about it already, but tonight, after writing some more, I just got so weighed down that I didn’t feel like writing anymore. I tried to search for some music to help me with my mood, but nothing came to mind. I think I’ll just go to bed early, but even that makes me sad thinking about it. So much sad.

Acting lessons

I’m taking acting lessons,
so I can pretend I’m not sad,
because no one wants to be around
the boy with the thorn in his side.
So just so you know
when you carry on with the scene
it’s not until the cameras packed themselves in airtight cases
and everyone’s created a cold vacancy
that I reveal myself
to be the sad clown that I am.

Smell of yesteryear

I found this scrap piece of paper that I had saved when I was in film school.  I can almost comprehend what it means.

Smell of yesteryear… of sadness.

Waking up sick

For the past few days, immediately when I wake up in the morning, my mind snaps to any and every thought and memory of G.  I’s sad, but it’s also frustrating because I’m doing my best not to think of him.  Maybe my subconscious is super strong or something.  I’ve also felt like throwing up a few times when I think of him with his new guy, and how it’s not me who is making him happy anymore.

It’s not me.

When I first read this quote, I was wide-eyed with sadness:

“For all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these, ‘It might have been.’”

Do I dare?

Not sure when I wrote this one.  Probably sometime within the last two years.

Do I Dare?

Do I dare to believe in you?
After I let you get so close,
You only bruise me.

As I let all meaning slip away,
You do as you wish.
Maybe I jumped in a little too early.

I can’t believe I fell for you,
And when I looked up, I see that I had tripped,
Over the doubt that had lingered above my head.

You broke my composure,
And I readily took you in,
And you harvested all the feelings I had wished away.

Though I did not hold your time,
I can see that it was mine.
Fighting is a concept you know not of.

So once again, with my heart shaded away
I look past the horizon,
Blinded no more, and guarded all the more.

The Tower Card

Something old and emo.

The Tower Card

A cloud of uncertainty hangs above my head
I’ve been wondering for so long,
yet have never attempted it
but I guess it’s time now
For too long, there has been war
of all sorts
all around me
Suffocating the life from me
And when life promises to be kind,
it turns on its word
stabs me with a dagger of wickedness
until I can no longer sustain the injuries
So I may as well finish the job
I pick up the silver medicine
gleaming at me
taunting me to take it
to free myself from this everlasting pain
I take it gently and carefully to my hand
As the clock strikes twelve,
I am eternally asleep on the ground
With a devilish grin on my wrists
its mouth open
and blush words continually spilling out
“You can’t turn back time now”

Lost

Now going back to the high school years, here’s something I wrote when I was in grade 10?  I think.  It’s not as embarrassing as Apparently, that’s for sure.  I think I also deluded myself into thinking I wrote a “song” with this when I just wrote some lines that rhymed.  Anyway, there’s no music or at least I don’t remember it.

Lost

In the early years,
Everything was fine.
It was all right
And you were mine.
But then you left
With no reason
Except a bunch of lies.
And here I’m standing
With internal sorrow
When I realized…

I’m lost,
Without you here, defying my fears
I’m lost,
Scared and lonely, and you can’t hold me.
You’ve caused
So much pain, with nothing to gain;
I’m lost and my heart has drowned in your rain.

The ache I feel
Is hard to describe.
It’s like a black hole:
Nothing can hide.
And now it’s getting closer,
Engulfing my mind,
Poisoning every thought.
Depression stabs me.
I want this to end,
But I know that I’m caught.

I’ve forgotten who I am,
Or what I used to be.
All I know is I’ll be found
When you finally return to me.

Winter

Something I wrote during a creative writing class back in high school… so lower your expectations! This is something I came across just not that made me realize how far I’ve come as a writer. Thank god.

Winter

As the snow falls,
I’m reminded that another year is almost over.
I sit by the window,
watching as each individual flake
falls outside.
The weatherman says it’ll snow quite a bit
I think about winter,
about not having school;
We are like snowflakes; each different
from all the rest, floating freely in
the air. We land on the ground and
then poof!… we melt. We’re dead.
To me, winter reminds me
that our time is almost done.