Where do I begin?
I didn’t think Christmas songs could ever be sad but I was wrong. Several of the songs off Sarah McLachlan’s Christmas album Wintersong are tigned with sadness and as such, I’ve listened to the album a few times when I’m down in the dumps or one time, when I was making dinner. Anyway.
I don’t have much else to say except the only Christmas carols I will really listen to are the ones sung by this awesome lady.
Well, since I was busy with my boyfriend all of yesterday (which, by the way, was a strange experience as I have never spent an entire day with him before — but it was great!) so I didn’t get a chance to post and I’m sure you’re all dying to know what the next songs I’ve posted. Bazinga. I’m sure you’re all too busy with deciding who won the federal debate the past two days.
Day 4 was a song that makes you sad. Now that’s a topic I know lots about. So many songs make me sad in different ways, but surprisingly (or maybe not), one of the first songs that popped into my head was “Without You” from the movie/musical Rent. I can’t remember how I felt about it when I saw the movie for the first time but it was definitely after my first bf and I had broken up that the meaning of the song just devastated me. I would cry every time I heard it, including one time when I was walking down the street, listening to the Rent soundtrack and I was a crying mess walking on the sidewalk. I eventually had to find a quiet place to control myself. And when I played it on the piano and sang, it would be the same thing. Once after I finished playing it, I just burst into tears. No other song has ever done that to me.
I had originally posted Sarah McLachlan’s “Sweet Surrender” for the song for Day 5 – A song that reminds you of someone, but I decided a few minutes ago to change it to something that I wrote. Last night, I played a few songs for a fundraiser my friend Stephen Emery had organized to collect donations for the relief effort in Japan and I had originally planned to sing “You Will Never Know These Words”. But after I saw the small crowd at J Lounge, I decided that it probably wasn’t the best audience to rant about my father (I sang “Goodbye Spain” instead, since it seems to the a favourite amongst people). Every time I’ve sang YWNKTW, I’ve dedicated it to my dad, who still hasn’t ever come to see me perform. I know he will probably never truly understand me and the things I love to do.
July 16, 2008
Dream 4
I think this all happened when I was at the swimming pool. I don’t know which one because it didn’t look familiar. I jumped into the pool and got out and walked around for a bit. There was this small wooden box that someone had crudely made and even though I didn’t look inside, I knew that was where ammunition/bullets were kept.
So somehow that goes into a hostage situation with me, Kem, and Lulu. The evil guy (terrorist, I guess) kept switching faces/bodies, but we always knew who she/she was. I had a gun pointed in my face several times (as did Lulu and Kem) and it was kinda scary actually. The evil guy’s plan (he was Bob [one of the TA’s at VFS] for a bit) was to kill a bunch of us (or maybe one) and then to shoot this building that he crudely drew that had bullets of some kind. He gave the gun to me a few times, to shoot at the building but I told him my aim was really crappy.
I remember him telling us he was going to kill one of the three of us. He pointed the gun at Kem, and I didn’t want him to die so I wrapped my around around him, trying to protect him. He held onto me, close, which was really nice. t felt right and even though I knew I could possibly die, I didn’t care beause it was Kem.
Eventually, perspectives changed to that of the evil guy aiming the gun around the room.
There may have been something before that I don’t remember…
Evil guy aimed the gun at the building lebelled bullets, and I didn’t understand. Lulu explained how it was something about hexagons and stuff and even though I probably wouldn’t undert it in real life, I understood it in my dream. She said how if evil guy shot at the building, ice/diamonds would fall down and fall on people below. Just as I realized this, he fired.
I watched as pieces of ice fell… on top of me. I was on a bed, and I grabbed a pillow to shield myself. The ice hit the pillow and I was safe. I looked around the room and saw that Lulu was fine but that Kem was gone. I saw the shape of his body underneath the covers and when I pulled them back, he lay there, silent. There was a trickle of blood running down the side of his head.
I thought he was dead. He definitely looked dead.
I freaked out. I started crying and screaming a little, thinking the bullet hit him before it hit the building.
I was SO upset, more than I’ve ever been in both real life as well as my dream.
He suddenly stirred and I realized he wasn’t dead, which overwhelmed me. I was so incredibly happy, more than I’ve ever been in both real life as well as my dreams.
A bit later (probably some more stuff happened), I had the gun. I don’t remember how I got it, but the evil guy was now Mahea [one of my cousins], and I pointed the gun in her face. She was scared. That made me happy. The police or some official-looking people took her away.
I waved Kem over, saying we had to get going to go some place. He stood a few feet away from me, bathed in a sort of white light. He smiled at me, I think. Or maybe he just stood there staring at me.
It’s also where the streets have no name (okay, that seemed more witty in my mind). This was one of the earlier songs I wrote back in the day, and it is based on a Shel Silverstein collection of poems of the same name. I’m not sure how it somehow popped into my head but I do remember really enjoying his work in the 2nd grade. I’ve pretty much forgotten about this song since I used the bridge of this song in “Let Go”, which I think is a much better song, both lyrically as well as musically. That being said, I still remember how to play it and how the melody goes so maybe it’s not such a bad song after all.
Where the Sidewalk Ends
Where the sidewalk ends,
that’s where I’ll see you again.
Jumping from crack to crack,
always wishing to want you back.
When the rains begin,
I’ll hold a candle and some things.
As the colored skyline fades,
I rush back to my mental cage.
CHORUS:
And I run down the street
All these thoughts and memories gently spilling out.
Leave me here to mend.
And I”ll meet you where the sidewalk ends.
Where the past will start
is when my heart departs.
Chasing fantastic dreams
and anything else in between.
How fortunes finish,
a mystery diminished.
Mixtures of low tides,
bottle up numbling then divide.
CHORUS
Fly away, I’ll fly away
Fly away.
These mistakes, oh, these mistakes,
Will I finally die today?
CHORUS
Where the sidewalk ends,
that’s where we’ll meet again.
More emo poetry from this whole page of poems I wrote during Math 11 class. Here’s a picture!
Final Closure
My mind flows
consistently, never faltering
unless the pain arrives, brought
on by the sight of the
person who has hurt me
all these years, and
yet brought me more than I ever wanted, which
is why I must block you out.
Whole bunch of crappy poems
Another song I wrote quite a while ago.
Everything seems to be faded
Everything seems to be fake
Everyone thinks they can handle
Life nowadays
Nothing is ever as it looks
Nothing is truly ever new
Nobody sees in the darkness
Or with clouded eyes
CHORUS
I still have yet to know
I still have yet to know
Let go
Let go
Looks like you’ve got me hooked
Looks like I can’t swim away
Looks like you appreciate my absence
From your heart
I still have yet to know
I still have yet to know
Let go
Let go
I still have yet to know
I still have yet to know
I still have yet to know
How to let you go
How to let you go
How to let you go
Just yesterday, I gave the link of my writing blog to a classmate on mine in my French class so I thought I should post something French-y in case she comes across this soon so I seem less dumb about not being able to speak French very well.
Un Pas
Un pas
Peut changer la vie
Un pas
C’est si facile
La gauche, en avant, la droite,
Un pas, un pas pour moi.
Je suis si très haut
Si haut que je vois les nuages.
Et si, si je criais
Personne ne m’écouterait
Un pas
Peut changer ta vie
Un pas
C’est si facile
Maintenant, j’ai beaucoup de choix
Un pas, un pas pour moi.
La droite, securité
Comme toutes les decisions j’ai pris
Mais en avant, il appele mon nom
Je peux me sentir tombe
Un pas
Peut changer ma vie
Un pas
C’est si facile
C’était le temps, je crois
Un pas, le pas pour moi
Story of my life. Sigh.
For the Boy On the Bus
10 minutes ago,
I saw a boy on the bus
blush-cheeked,
tinny music pouring into his ears.
my sight sniffing out stimulating nuggets to not break the ice,
but to set foot on the glassy surface.
insipid questions forming from a burning mind,
building precariously leaning towers of delusion
seeping past the filters I’d installed long ago.
My eyes, bloodshot passion, a drunkard’s
and I look to his for a similar affliction
but there is simply stern neutrality – a flatter-lipped Mona Lisa.
A good guess, albeit a stupid one:
one glance does not tip the scales.
His image, frozen in memory,
more vibrant and destructive than a photograph.
because moments from now,
the only way you’ll pan through the mud for the words to say
is by writing ones he’ll never see.
5. Feeling completely alone, ignored by my parents and ready to give up on life, I locked myself in my room, listening to a goodbye song from S Club on repeat while going through my big yellow scrapbook compiled in the second grade and crying. When I got to spelling test with “not good enough” written on the top, I just bawled for a few minutes.
An unreleased song I wrote many a year ago.
Losing Time
Time, here it comes, there is goes
Never waiting for anyone
Not today, nor tomorrow
It’s all in your hands
Hope for the best but the worst
Always shows up at your doorstep
So play along, waste your time
‘Cuz you know it’s worthwhile
Chorus:
I’m losing time in this dead-end world,
Finding out that nothing’s the way I want it to be.
If only I could rearrange this paradox,
‘Cuz it’s better to live illusion than to face reality.
Here, chasing ghosts in my mind
Unable to let go of history
Of regrets, of all the things
We could have been saying.
And in this vain generation
Are we just stupid or blind?
‘Cuz we seem too afraid, to face the truth
And this truth is mine.
Chorus
Close me, comfortably
Make me feel like I’ve got something to live for.
Dispose me, quickly
Make me feel like I’ve got something to die for.
Here it comes, there it goes x4
Chorus
Can you sense it? Can you feel it?
Can you sense it? You’re losing time
Can you sense it? Can you feel it?
Can you sense it? You’re losing time, you’re losing time,
You’re losing time.
aaron's random musings 