28 08 2010


All I hear is
No bing, pang or even simple blip would suffice
But no, all I get is cold and grating
What use am I?
A cat without a purr
Lady Gaga without her gay fanbase
A dildo without a vibration

The US army could locate weapons of mass destruction better than me and my defunct gaydar
Perhaps I wasn’t given the genes:
my father didn’t love me nor did he pass on the most important genetic material
(thanks, dad)
Or perhaps gaydar is acquired:
like battling other Pokemon for experience points and leveling up:
Aaron grew to level  7!  Aaron learned “Guys who wear purple have a high probability of sleeping with other men.”
or like Super Mario collecting coins
except instead of coins it’s Madonna albums:
“Got Ray of Light today!” (1up sound)
At least a flatline means there was once life;
but it’s a television set without even a cord to plug in
It’s Straight Night every night at Celebrities
and Davie street is just another breeders’ block.
And don’t get me started on hetero heaven that is the so-called Pride Parade.
Every coming out implodes my universe:
Clay Aiken:  WTF!  But he’s even more macho than Sylvester Stallone!
Elton John:  OMG!  I just thought he had a big wardrobe!
Ricky Martin: Well, even I knew that.  *shifty eyes*

What if I die alone?
My siblings will bring their other halves to Christmas dinners;
the empty seat beside me will never be filled.
Whenever a knight throws me a glance
I’ll assume it’s meant to strike the bubbly blonde bimbo behind me
There’ll be nights of making snide comments about the girls from Sex and the City
with no one to tell me I’m an idiot,
no one to leave a warm imprint next to me in bed while he takes a morning leak
no one to find utterly repulsive
no one to find utterly attractive

wait!  What was that?