INT. FIFTH AVENUE CINEMAS — DAY
Maura and Aaron are at concession. It’s downtime, between shows.
Maura: He lives in Maryland.
Aaron: Uh oh.
Maura: It’s too late. I’m falling.
Me: No, it’s not. You can easily fall out of love.
Maura: [laughs] You’re so cynical.
Aaron says nothing.
Last year, I took a Creative Writing Non-fiction class, and despite the not very good teacher, I had a lot of fun writing and re-writing the two assignments that we had for the course. Although I’ve previously written about my first relationship, I decided to write about it again, since it was a familiar experience and as my first big assignment, I didn’t want to do anything too out there. Anyway, I’ve been hesitating to put it on my blog because I considered sending it around to publications but never got around to it. I figure that I can still send it out and if it’s an issue, I could always take it down from my blog.
With that said, enjoy.
The World Behind Closed Doors
Like all Harlequin romance novels begin, it started with a message – sent via an online dating site.
I was 19 at the time, and my world was built upon piano keys, papers of all sorts of writing, and crushes on boys who would, one way or another, never end up with me. Because of my lack of any working gaydar, I had resigned to meeting other gay people online by signing up on a few gay online sites. I met Kemuel that way, and assumed he was just going to be another name added to my list of people I met online who, after meeting them once or twice, would be yet another boring guy I’d rather not talk to again. I remember the message he sent me: he mentioned that from my profile, I liked music and went on to tell me he that music was also fundamental in his world – he was a student at UBC in the Music Program. At first, this surprised me – not because he was in the Music Program but the mere fact that someone in cyberspace had 1. bothered to read my profile despite it not having keywords like “bottom boy”, “casual”, or the popular misspelling, “cum”, 2. sent me a message that didn’t include the aforementioned words or have the generic “how r u?” and leave it at that but instead, 3. sent me a message that actually mentioned my interests and started a stimulating conversation. Now this was profound.
We instant-messaged each other a few days before he wanted to meet, insisting sometime soon. Still being wary of meeting people from online, it already felt rushed to me.
(continued in part 2…)
Related to my last entry about being alone.
Tag
Let’s play a little game
Where every outcomes the same.
Ill be the one
While everyone runs.
And every soul at my touch
Friends and strangers as such
Flee while they can
Leaving with another in hand
Chorus:
Cause they all find each other
As I grasp for a dangling/strangling hope
Reach out with every ounce in my body,
And pray they wont go/say no.
But why complicate things?
I know the road is always done/Knots always come undone.
Footsteps fading into the gray,
As I wait for the next one.
Let’s play the game, let’s play the game, let’s play the game… X2
As new players join the round,
And others leave for good,
I keep using the same play
More than I ever should.
But when the time is up,
And they all head home,
Im on the field with nos at my feet
Just as the rules say, alone.
Chorus
One is the loneliest number that you’ll ever do,
Yes, it’s the saddest number that you’ll ever know.
Let’s play the game, let’s play the game, let’s play the game… X2
It’s just a game, it’s just a game, it’s just a game… X2
Chorus
Let’s play a little game
Where every outcomes the same
I first came out when I was 14.
I told my mom at 16.
I told my dad at 18.
I am 21 years old now, and I’ve been in one relationship that lasted 4 months. To me, the math doesn’t add up.
Throughout my years, I’ve read countless books about gay youth and adults alike. A lot of gay teen novels (and true stories as well) involve a guy meeting another guy who “knows” and they go off and elope or whatnot. In my case, nothing near that has ever happened. Was it wrong for me to think that after I came out, I’d meet more gay folks like myself and amongst them, maybe find someone I could really see myself with? I didn’t think so. It seems quite logical and judging by the frequently told stories of fiction and non-fiction, it would seem to be reality.
But it didn’t happen to me and I’ve really wondered why.
I wouldn’t catergorize myself as a real Chinese person, since I don’t necessarily follow the customs and my Cantonese isn’t the greatest. I don’t have much, if any, “honger” friends because they’re just not my crowd. On the other hand, I was born here and would identify myself more Canadian than Chinese but I’m not completely white-washed. I also don’t have a lot of Canadian (ie. caucasian) friends and I can’t help but feel like my ethnicity is partly at fault for this. Sure, a large part is due to the fact that I can be shy around people (which is natural), but is it something deeper? Am I being stereotyped as a typical Chinese (ie. “honger’) simply because I’m Asian? And since Asians carry a certain type of idea (ie. awesome at math, mediocre English, bottoms who are into white guys/older men), maybe I get lumped in with that. Otherwise, what else is there?
I like to think that I’m somewhat interesting; I have an interest in artsy things and I have a decent kind of humour. I’m a really good listener and I’m a romantic, despite being a little jaded. But perhaps all these work against me. And I don’t think I’m completely hideous either.
My conclusion: perhaps I’m this weird mish-mash of Chinese and Canadian that people don’t know how to deal with.
I don’t appeal to the Asians because I’m not really Asian (also, I find there is a little bit of a language barrier because some guys are learning English and it’s obviously not the same) and everyone else thinks I’m just another Chinese guy without giving me the chance to really show them otherwise.
I think a significant part is also that people are sexually racist, and I’ve seen it. Go on craigslist to the personals. In the men for men section, you don’t have to click on many adds until you find one that says “I’m not into Asians. No offense, it’s just a preference.” Well, I, for one, am offended. Eliminating an entire race sexually like that is ridiculous to me. Not all Asians are the same, as caucasians, blacks, etc. Even before I say “Hi. How’s it goin?”, I’m not going to be considered. My friends tell me people are douches, and yes, in this case, they are. One friend told me that these people aren’t worth my time; but similarly, I’m not worth theirs. And I don’t find this fair.
Perhaps this sexual racism carries over to people long term relationships. I message people who I think are interesting (there really aren’t that many people) who seem friendly enough and say things like, “If you wanna know more, just shoot me a message :)” and I take that as my cue to say hi. But despite my wittiness and personalizing each message, the majority of the time, I don’t receive a response, which leads me to think not what is wrong with them, but what is wrong with me.
Am I not even worth a conversation? Maybe I’m not just their type, and I can understand that. But if they’re excluding me simply because of a stereotype or because of race, well, I can’t help that.
You would think I shouldn’t care about this. But I do.
Every time I send a message to someone, I think about whether or not they’ll respond.
I still hold my breath.
aaron's random musings 