Eyes closed

Last night
I discovered pools
on my pillow of constellations
that sprang from my eyes
Even though I swore you off
like a sassy anthem
my head still drops the needle on the record
and i can’t stop it
Do not take this as a sign that he means something more than nothing
especially when
his last words–
I never want to see you again–
will be remembered
with eyes closed.

Why?

Did you find my words and my skin and decide they were both tainted?

Or was my negativity in believing myself not to be a poet too much to handle?

Could it be that you decided I was a directionless deadbeat who pathetically still lived at home because I work on-call and don’t have a regular work schedule?

Yes, it has been more than two months.

And yes, it still bothers me.

You shouldn’t have kissed me if you didn’t mean it because now I end up seeming insane
still
askingWhy?

2017

You told me last night
in the only place I see you now,
that we will be together in 2017.

You were conducting the orchestra
at my graduation. When everyone saw
you, they bowed reverently. But our bodies the only ones
standing, our eyes stayed
on each other.

You always had that effect on me.

With your hand on mine, we flipped through songs,
you laughing at my “bad” taste. I don’t see
your face, but I feel you there, warm and familiar.

I will be 29. You, 31. It will
have been ten years since we felt ourselves
together. Sometime, between the next
two and a half to three and a half years, you
will be back, and you will look at me,
and you will smile just like in the memories
I clutch onto every day.

You smiled, and it was as it you had never aged.

Then, when I woke up, I felt my face contort as if pulled
by wires, a sadness boiling from my gut to my face.

I cried.

Anniversary

Check out my short film I made for a photography course I took a few years back!

I like my cat

Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn’t have my cat, and I think I back to how my sister tried to take her away from me when she left for the US again. I stood in front of my house, crying my eyes out, and in that moment, I felt like a parent, helplessly watching someone take away their child.

My attachment to my cat frightens me. Not because it’s unhealthy, but that I depend on her for so much.

Boom.

Holy fuck. You’re so goddamn handsome was my immediate thought, one that even caught me by surprise when I saw him. Everyone else walked on the bus like he was just another bus driver, but I stared at him as he put on a reflective vets and got out to fix the electric antennae that had jumped the cables.

I never think like this. And yet, for some reason, I did when I saw him. I don’t know why. I even intentionally went to the front of the bus to exit, thanking him. He waved a hand a me and wished me a good night, which I returned, and in that moment, I felt my excitement replaced by something else: defeat. In that moment, he glanced at me with indifference, his voice level. Like yet another straight guy I’ve fallen in love with.

My heart went boom twice and he didn’t hear nor see it.

And… I’m yours. Please take me.

(Skip to 1;07 in the video. I mean, watch the whole thing because it sounds stupendous but I’m talking about a specific part)

Watched this and when Sonny wiggles both his eyebrows, I suddenly felt myself go weak. Why? Not only is it being done by such a handsome guy, but it’s so freaking adorable and cute. Apparently all it takes to win me over is a wiggle of your eyebrows and I’m calling for you to take me away and make out with me forever. Who knew.

PS. It also doesn’t hurt that he can actually sing.

My exes should follow my blog

Sometimes I wonder if my exes stalk me on my blog to see that I’m doing well and not a sobbing ball on floor. I wonder if I was honest about how I miss them not in their own ways — around full moons I get longings out of nowhere for one ex, while the other always seems to find himself somehow in my words and stories. What difference does it really make, though? Neither are going to anything.

Right?

Impossible/Guess I’m Doing Fine

It’s impossible
to seethe or clench my jaw when you deliver words to me.
You put me in such good humour
manage to displace and separate me
so the sadness sinks while the best of me buoys above
You think that’s all you see
but it is a reflection in a cracked mirror.

It’s only you I’m losing.
I guess I’m doing fine.

Thanks for trying to distract me

even as you mumbled “nothing much would change”,
even as you made appreciated small talk,
even as you generously offered me Smarties,
even as you wrapped your arms around my frozen body,
even as you stroked my cheek,
even as you feebly smiled at my flat-lipped face,
even as you gazed into my eyes, fixed to the ceiling,
even as you pulled me to you and I let you,
even as you hummed the song in my ear,
even as you wiped emotions from your beard,

I thought and I knew and I thought and I knew and I thought and I knew–

Everything has changed.