On the outside

I’ve always considered myself to be part of the gay community. I read Xtra! and followed the news. I joined local organizations and volunteered. I walked up and down Davie Street, among my people.

But for many years now, I’ve constantly felt invisible, ignored, and degraded by the same community. As sad and hurt as I was, I still read Xtra! hoping for the day there’d be an article about sexual racism. I vainly wished to be acknowledged as an important part of the community.

It never really happened. (and the sexual racism article definitely never happened)

Yet, I still had hope that they’d take notice to all this.

Tonight, at the Davie Street Block Party, I realized something. As I looked at all the different faces and people in their own little groups and cliques, I couldn’t help but feel it was futile trying to include myself in a community that seemed like they didn’t want me. It’s like being the kid at school who constantly tries to hang out with another group of kids and says something like, “Hey, guys! What’re we playing today?” The other kids stare, then all hang out together. But the other kid doesn’t get the hint.

Maybe all these years, I’ve been missing the hint, that I’m not welcome. Maybe it’s better I not tell myself I’m a part of this community, that I’m just some gay guy living in Vancouver.

What makes the night

Convincing a fellow gay that language like “no Asians” is indeed racist language that has harmful and negative consequences. Yesssssssssssss!

Sexual racism exhausts me

Spent the day asking friends about their views on racism in the gay community and many of them don’t see “NO ASIANS” as a problem. In fact, they think it’s acceptable, which was incredibly infuriating and frustrating. Tried not to get overwhelmed and upset and tried to diffuse the conversations with questions (“Why do you think that?” “How might you feel if someone said, ‘Not into white guys’?”) but then that just lead to more angering words. It’s the end of the day and I’m just exhausted .

Who would’ve thought arguing with people could be so draining. All in a day’s work, I suppose.