First online blog

I forgot I had a Livejournal account.

There are only two posts, but even reading them, it’s really strange. I know who this person is yet he doesn’t feel like someone I used to be. I’m not sure how to describe it.

This entry is dated May 15, 2005:

So here I go…my first entry. I may as well make it something to remember. I highly doubt anyone is going to read this at all but at least it gives me something to do for the time being and if for whatever reason someone does decide to stumble across my journal, you’re up for a real treat.

If anyone is wondering about this maniac that’s writing in this thing, well, I’m 16 (turning 17), a student (well, duh) that isn’t doing as well as before because, well, I’ve discovered a little thing called existentialism; basically, for all those who don’t know, it is the belief that life is meaningless and god does not exist. And although I am actually Wiccan, i don’t actually believe there is a god…let’s leave that for another day. My family is breaking from the already broken state (my parents are separated, but I don’t know why they just don’t get divorced), my older sister has moved to Alabama, my twin sister is at war with my mom, and I’m constantly unsatisfied with my “life”. Ugh… onto today’s stuff!

I got up an hour earlier for my (math) tutoring lessons with my tutoring, (btw, she happens to be my cousin). Yay…math. I go every week but end up forgetting everything by the next week and failing tests…actually, I only failed the last one, but that one was hard!!!! Anyhooz, I got another test tomorrow, so I should do some homework by tomorrow. After that, my mom came in and told my aunt that I was going to Richmond after to play piano and get this trophy for getting the highest mark for my grade 10 piano exam. My aunt congratulated me for my result and said she was extremely proud of me, which I was flattered. So my grandpa/ma, other aunt/uncle/cousin/ and mom all piled in my grandpa’s van and drove out to Richmond. My twin sister refused to go and see my play; she claimed she didn’t want to go so far and had stuff to do. My mom got angry at her for that but let it slide fairly easily. We arrived 30 minutes before it started and got front row seats (it’s in a church). After waiting, the programme commenced and started with the little kiddies, beginning with grade 1, ending at grade 10. On the programme list, it turned out I was last to perform out of 29 people. I patiently waited and waited for my turn and after what seemed like forever, it finally came down to me. I got up, bowed, and sat at the piano. I thought about what I was going to do and started playing. But by the end, I had made so many mistakes, I was smiling all over. At every mistake I made, I would smile and mouth words to myself, like, “that’s not what it’s supposed to sound like!”, which I found amusing. My uncle was filming my whole performance and he got me smiling and all. Then came the worst part: pictures! So much flashing! I felt like I was being snapped from all over, and the people were paparazzi or something. Since my score was tied with Cindy, another one of the performers, we had to share the trophy. She didn’t care who had it first/last, so I took it. After a lot more pictures, we departed.

My mom suggested going for bubble tea so we did. Then, we all walked to a nearby mall and decided to get our photos developed, which took about an hour, but since everyone was running around from one store to the next, it took many hours. I was listening to some bands playing in the mall and the first one was a rock band, and they were really entertaining. Then after they left the stage, I thought it was over, but a group of three Asian guys got up and started playing/singing and it was so bad! I mean, the guitar playing was fine but they had the music in front of them…so unprofessional! And after this medley of chinese songs, they played an english song, which i could not understand any of the words, but I knew it was some kinda mushy love song, which I nearly gagged at. After another song, we finally left the mall for home.

I found my sister at home watching “The Simpsons” so I joined her, even though I was mysteriously sleepy after drinking bubble tea. Only about half an hour later, we had to leave once again to go to my grandma/pa’s house for dinner. My sister didn’t want to come again and this time, my mom got angry at her. [I’ll skip the dinner part]. We left at 7:00 and I came home to the computer. My sister was watching a movie of some sort and is probably still is.

I think I should ask Jordan out on Tuesday (or the next time I see him). Oh yeah, Jordan is a guy in Grade 10 (one year younger) who runs really, really fast and takes grade 11 French. I usually go to his classroom every other day, and I find him looking my way sometimes. Also, his mom was talking with me at a track meet one time, and that got me thinking that perhaps he likes me, even though I shouldn’t assume anything, because it’s never gotten me anywhere. I don’t really care if he isn’t gay, but I’m doing it because I want to find out if he really likes me or not. *Sigh* I shouldn’t me driving myself crazy just thinking about asking a guy out, which I haven’t done before… so I’m kinda nervous.

I’ll probably chicken out in the end…unless someone convinces me.

~~Pride_penguin

The World Behind Closed Doors (part 4)

This is probably the point where I should mention my relationship with my mother.  She was born in Hong Kong and despite having lived in Vancouver for more than 20 years, her English is very limited. Furthermore, Western views, society, and culture don’t seem to be as important to her as the traditional Chinese way of living.  It’s as if her mind was a room and she had closed the door to everything else, shutting out anything that would mutate or alter what she knew.  When I came out to my mother, she seemed to take it fairly well, aside from suggesting I go visit a doctor to get examined for my “sickness”.  Even after that, we didn’t mention anything gay-related.  Taboo: an important part of the Chinese way. It’s always better to ignore things.

 

Because Kem was in the closet, I respected his wish not to tell people he was gay.  We had difficultly determining whether or not I should tell my mom, since I didn’t really care but at the same time, was unsure if she would allow him to come over anymore.  Eventually, we decided it was probably better she didn’t know.  I don’t remember him having any fear of meeting my mom but if I ever did, it was squashed when it happened.

Kem scored immediate points when he first met my mom while she was actually still awake.  It was in the afternoon when he climbed the carpeted stairs up in our house.  My mom was either sitting on the couch, watching melodramatic (ie. absolutely terrible) Chinese soap operas on TV or was in the kitchen cooking.

“This is Kemuel,” I said as he charmingly gave her a smile.

“Kem-yu-al,” she repeated slowly, trying to get his name right.

“He goes to school at UBC,” I continued.  Her face immediately lit up, like hearing one of her kids had taken her advice and was going off to medical school – a look I had never been able to get from her.

“Ah, really?  What are you studying?” she asked in Cantonese, eyes gleaming.

“I’m in the music program,” he replied back in Cantonese.

“Oh!  You know Cantonese!” My mother’s voice rose an octave with excitement.

As the two continued talking, I went to the kitchen, hearing my mother’s animated voice, telling him how useless I was for not going to university while at the same time praising him; I would also heard my boyfriend’s voice, who was trying to convince her that film school was good too.  I felt proud that she liked him so quickly, that she had approved of him – except, of course that she didn’t know we were together.  When asked about how we met, I told my mom he was helping me with my application to UBC, which only made her like him even more.  This wonderful guy was helping her son go to university!  What a godsend!

(continued in part 5…)