What does this mean?

17 04 2014

Let’s say you message someone online or through an app, and you both get really into the conversation, replying to each other’s messages quickly. The conversation gradually steers from general chit chat to more sexual stuff, and you end up talking about all the dirty things you want to do to each other. This person says they can meet you the next day to do said sexy things, and you get really excited about it because aside from the conversation being really hot, this person doesn’t come off as a complete moron (and it doesn’t hurt that they are good-looking).

The day comes and you’re super excited until class finishes so that you can meet them. When you do, you end up having a great time; yes, there was sex with plenty of making out and all that, but it was different in that instead of tearing off each other’s clothes and going crazy like you might have thought, it was slow, unrushed. It seemed passionate.

When things were done, you put your arms around them and fell asleep a bit, something that never happens when hooking up. You had to get home though, and they offered you to stay the night. It was sweet gesture, you thought, but maybe some other time.

The next few days, you want to meet up again but they say they are busy. At one point, they pointedly say something along the lines of, “I don’t want to do stuff with you again” and offer to be friends.

So I’m confused. What does this mean? Are they just being a complete jerk? Am I wrong for getting upset? Was there really not much there to begin with? But how to explain the sleeping over thing? I feel like such a girl about feelings and shit when apparently no gay guys out there care about stuff like this. It affects me a lot, more than anyone really knows. And if I bring it up, I seem like an emotional, clingy weirdo, but I feel like it’s society that has conditioned people to think feelings and talking about them are weird.

Ugh. Fuck.

Back to Black

16 01 2012

I have a theory that for a few days a month, I have PMS– which is different than menstruation.  This theory is backed up by empirical evidence showing that I dwell upon my ex and have, at times, emotional episodes.  Side effects include unexplained crying, bawling, staring at the wall a little too long in deep thought, mood swings, and the need and want to stay in bed forever.  Research has shown that PMS occurs around the full moon period every month, which makes sense, since full moons are supposed to be the time when people go batshit.

Since I am finishing up my cycle for the month, I am still relatively vulnerable to emotions (read: can still easily burst into tears), I was set to play Amy Winehouse’s “Love is a Losing Game” on the piano but flipped to “Back to Black” and started playing it just for fun.  Except it was not actually fun, but lead to a brief emotional period (read: teared up when playing it), one that I had never experienced when I heard the song before.  It’s one of those songs that only means something when you’ve heard it in a different context much later.  All the words finally make sense, are all relatable in some way. I don’t know whether that’s a good thing or a bad one.