What does this mean?

17 04 2014

Let’s say you message someone online or through an app, and you both get really into the conversation, replying to each other’s messages quickly. The conversation gradually steers from general chit chat to more sexual stuff, and you end up talking about all the dirty things you want to do to each other. This person says they can meet you the next day to do said sexy things, and you get really excited about it because aside from the conversation being really hot, this person doesn’t come off as a complete moron (and it doesn’t hurt that they are good-looking).

The day comes and you’re super excited until class finishes so that you can meet them. When you do, you end up having a great time; yes, there was sex with plenty of making out and all that, but it was different in that instead of tearing off each other’s clothes and going crazy like you might have thought, it was slow, unrushed. It seemed passionate.

When things were done, you put your arms around them and fell asleep a bit, something that never happens when hooking up. You had to get home though, and they offered you to stay the night. It was sweet gesture, you thought, but maybe some other time.

The next few days, you want to meet up again but they say they are busy. At one point, they pointedly say something along the lines of, “I don’t want to do stuff with you again” and offer to be friends.

So I’m confused. What does this mean? Are they just being a complete jerk? Am I wrong for getting upset? Was there really not much there to begin with? But how to explain the sleeping over thing? I feel like such a girl about feelings and shit when apparently no gay guys out there care about stuff like this. It affects me a lot, more than anyone really knows. And if I bring it up, I seem like an emotional, clingy weirdo, but I feel like it’s society that has conditioned people to think feelings and talking about them are weird.

Ugh. Fuck.


29 10 2013

A conversation with someone on jack’d:

HIM: Wanna hng out sometime

I check my phone a few hours later and see this message, since I was in class. Immediately upon checking, I receive a new message:

HIM: A no would’ve sufficed

I want to tell him off, something like “Dude, I’ve been busy up until now. Chill the fuck out” but I decide to be nice and try to guilt him.

ME: I was in class all day until now.


He doesn’t apologize. Oh well. His profile picture is blank, so I ask, Do you have any pics?

He send me one, without saying anything else. I partly don’t feel like responding at the moment, but mostly I have a lot of stuff to do. I go home, have dinner, eat some food and try to relax after a long day. I don’t message him back until the next morning.

ME: Thanks. Sure I’d be up to hang out. What do you wanna do?

About a minute later–

HIM: Late reply much

Ok. I’m tired of being nice. But I don’t want to be too mean.

ME: Excuse me if I’m not addicted to my phone and that I have a life.

HIM: A life? lol

HIM: Dick

ME: Name-calling, how classy of you. You don’t know me, so don’t pretend you do. If you can’t accept that people don’t always reply to messages immediately, then that’s your problem. I’m sorry you have issues with that. Have a nice day.

And then I hit the block button. Now I’m not sure he got my last message (if he can no longer contact me or see me, is our conversation gone as well?).

I believe I was fairly polite and I took the high-road. What do you think? Am I a dick?


Interviewing a wall

13 08 2013

How do you have a conversation with someone if they never ask you any questions? Like this, for instance:

Me: I am saying hi, as requested! How’s life?

Him: hey life’s good how r u

Me: Life’s alright. I take it you go to ubc too?

Him: yea I’m on campus

Me: Are you unfortunately taking summer courses?

Him: no I’m working

Me: What do you do? I work as a writing tutor during the school year.

Him: I’m doing some research right now

Needless to say, I’m extremely turned off and uninterested in the conversation. I don’t feel like messaging him anymore. But this has happened countless times, where I ultimately end up basically interviewing a guy who never me about myself. Some people have told me I just have to insert myself and say things, but that feels wrong to me. I tried to do it in the above, to try and make it a conversation, but he completely ignored it. Once, someone I had been chatting with randomly, after we said the usual “hey”s, said “Went on a trip for two weeks” out of nowhere. My immediate reaction was, I didn’t ask so… I don’t really care. Why are you even telling me this? I’ve convinced myself that people think the same thing if I ever try to insert bits about myself without them asking first. But boys don’t ask things, they just talk about themselves, so I end up interviewing a wall. It’s gotten to the point where I will stop responding to messages quicker if there are no questions posed at me; I should feel like a jerk, but I don’t have patience to interview people anymore.

In fact, after that very unstimulating conversation I had today, I wondered if I should point out the fact that he was being so boring and uninteresting but then I thought that’d make me seem bitter, which I suppose I am anyway. Gay boys just can’t seem to know how to have proper conversations and it makes me want to slap them in the face. It makes me want to educate them, and especially to tell them that they really aren’t as interesting as they think they are. In fact, they are as nameless and unmemorable as almost everyone I’ve met online or via apps. Should I say something? I reeeeeeeally want to! Even if it’s a snarky, verbally ironic remark.

So if you’re trying to act coy and play hard to get by not asking questions, try again. It’s not working.

And if I don’t respond to your message about how you went to Japan or that you’re doing research, it’s not because I haven’t had a chance to reply. It’s probably because you make me not give a shit.

Typical dates

4 06 2013

Came across this in my little notebook and thought it was a good point.

The thing about going to the movies on a date is that it’s all about knowing how to use it to your advantage, to show off your manners, your attributes. Yourself.

You can be the gentleman and buy the tickets while you let your date buy the popcorn. Making jokes during/at the pre-show, etc.

You can make any cliched date idea into something personal, add your own touch. It simply requires some thinking and creativity. And anyway, wouldn’t you want to try and impress them?

I am fluent in the language of misinterpretation

3 09 2010

Something I wrote today, just a few minutes ago.  It’s the first draft so it needs work.

To the person who inspired this: in the unlikely case you read this and know it’s about you, can you answer the question at the end please?  Thanks.

I am fluent in the language of misinterpretation

I am a neglected puppy,
skeleton-thin, starving for words,
and when they drop at my feet, I greedily feast
my unformed mind believing
they must be more than sweet careless rewards,
they must be more than stale pity.

I attach lead weights to a simple “hi”,
hoping they reveal more than cheap plastic toys beneath the chocolate shell
Though this is a formula I’m an expert with,
it still confuses me;
my heart flinches at pin pricks of silence
yet continues to beat.

The monster called memory
reminds me of your quick shuffling steps,
the crinkles in your eyes when you smile are the delicate folds of an origami flower I planned to give you.
your curt laughs are bottles of expensive champagne I’ve saved to buy
The way you spoke of Zac Efron like a crush,
and now I speak of you in the same way.

I am fluent in the language of misinterpretation.
What is the translation for silence?

The Common Multiples Theory

26 06 2010

In math, fractions can be divided by other numbers called multiples; some numbers have more common multiples than others (this is about the extent of math skills as evidenced by my near-failing grade in Math 11). This can also be applied to people, I’ve found.

He’s young, outgoing, and really good-looking. As much as people in general frown upon (okay, more like hate) racism, it still goes on quietly, with little or no backlash. It seems that if you’re white, it’s almost the “standard”, or the most common denominator, at least among gay men (I don’t know about the heteros, but I”m sure it’s at least similar). Being a denominator with many common multiples means you’re divisible by more people — more people are into you, essentially.

Take my friend Dan. He’s intelligent, outgoing, and good-looking and the kind of guy that a lot of people would be into — Asians like him because he’s, well, white and attractive (another topic altogether of how/why Asians are into white men); the other caucasians like him since he’s probably holds the same ideals, has had a similar upbringing, and can speak English (though of course, that’s an assumption nonetheless); and everyone else… well, North American society is so saturated with white folks — think of all the movies, music, tv shows that feature prominent white characters or have an all-white cast — that it’s become the standard of beauty. Dan is a common multiple amongst many, many people but it works both ways too. He sees past the color of your skin, and he doesn’t hold any sort of sexual racism. As easily as people are into him, he’s into them the same; the greater amount of multiples (in this case, people), theoretically, the greater the chance of liking.

With that principle in mind, the laws of sexual racism come into play. Browse the men for men personal ads on craigslist and you’ll find the most unabashedly open racists there. Nothing suggesting death or a one-race by any means, but something different. I particularly like how, in an attempt to cover up their racism, some guys write “Sorry, it’s just a preference” after stating something like, “Not into Asians”. The term “Asians”, in this case, encompasses those of Chinese, Japanese, and Korean backgrounds and it appears that most of the people who say such things are caucasians or other races. Rarely do you find ads saying, “Not into caucasians” (I won’t delve too much into sexual racism because I could go on and on and since this is about The Common Multiples Theory, I had to mention it briefly).

Does this mean that being Asian automatically puts you at a disadvantage to having multiples? Not necessarily. Take my friend Matt. He’s quirky, humorous, and fun to be around. He’s also half-filipino and half-vietnamese and although not “Asian”, he is clearly is. But he’s had relationships before (how many, I don’t know but they all seem fairly significant); and having been born and raised in Vancouver, he has an air of Western culture to him that make him seem more “white” than traditionally Asian. I believe Matt and others similar to him are the exception — not because they are white-washed but because they are outgoing and charming enough to allow others to see past their skin and into their personality. It also probably doesn’t hurt that he dresses not flamboyantly, but attractively, in the sense that people would notice him on the street. Matt strikes me as the kind of person who doesn’t have to look very hard to find someone who would like and want to date him, and despite the fact that he is Asian, he also has many common multiples.

So where do I fit into this theory? Shortly put, I feel like a prime number, only divisible by 1 and itself (one being my left hand and itself being me).

I’m not as outgoing as Dan nor Matt (or at least not upon first meeting), and I don’t feel like I particularly stand out against a crowd like Matt. I’m not super Asian, having grown up here in Vancouver, so I don’t hold those traditional beliefs nor am I taking any ESL coursese. Though Asians are attracted to other Asians, I’ve found that a lot of them are closeted or looking for someone more like them/a white boyfriend, and I’m not that. Caucasian guys probably rule me out because of how I look (unless someone tells me otherwise, that’s what I’m going with because honestly, very few have actually even replied to my messages or whatnot). At the same time, I’m not super white-washed — I’m sort of this in between hybrid of the two. At times I feel like an anomaly while everyone around me and their multiples are out getting it on.

Perhaps I’ve failed to taken into account another common factor between Dan and Matt — that both go out clubbing. Though this may seem trivial, clubbing is equivalent in the gay world as Comic Con to the geeks. It’s the meeting place (among other things) for the queers to go and meet others like them, and where I don’t particularly have fun.

Whatever the case, I remain a prime number, at least for the time being.