I think I really do have PMS

Not just when I’m awake but when I’m sleeping too, apparently.

Dream– Dec. 8th

There were multiple parts to the dream, but here’s the main part which I remember.  I was in a restaurant, dining alone and feeling pretty sad.  There was a table of three women sitting in front of me, having a great time, from what I could see, and that kind of made me sad too.  I got up and went to the bathroom.

Although I was sitting in a stall (I guess I didn’t need to pee?), I found I couldn’t properly close the stall door (which is a common thing in my dreams — being unable to close doors).  I heard some people’s voices and saw G. there, with someone else.  Not knowing what to do, I got up and went to meet them.  I said hi to G., and asked what he was doing there.  He said he was dining with his aunt.  His “friend” had one of those “Hi, my name is _____” sticker name tags and I saw that he was a volunteer or possibly a worker at a local gay organization.  G. explained they were friends but I could clearly see that they weren’t (ie. touching each other and being semi-romantic right in front of me).  I felt terrible and awkward so I left the bathroom and sat down at my table and started eating again.  I think I was eating a salad.  Anyway, I was absolutely miserable after that encounter and was trying my best not cry but I ended up bawling while I was eating.  When I looked up, the three women sitting in front of my having a good time were looking my way, and I wished one of them would come and sit with me so I wouldn’t feel so alone and bad.

None of them moved.

Now publicly humiliated, I ran out of the restaurant and back home, where I sprinted past my questioning mother and proceeded to bawl my eyes out on my bed, as she asked me again and again what happened.

That was basically it.  It makes me sad just thinking about it now.

Just a few more days before my PMS goes away and I stop thinking about him for another month.

 

30 Day Movie Challenge: Day 19: Film that made you cry the hardest

Back in my VFS days, I was in a documentary class and had to put together a project for an idea that I wanted to be made into a documentary.  I was concerned about gay teen suicides because of the fact that there was no real solid number that said how many teens were killing themselves a year, and it was something I really wanted to explore.  So I did research and found out about many publicized gay teen suicides in history (we’re talking mainly US), including that of Bobby Griffith.  A book had been written about his life and his mother’s gradual shift from conservative Christian to understanding gay rights activist.  It was called Prayers for Bobby, and this was 2007.

I picked up a copy of Prayers for Bobby and after reading, found out that it was going to be made into a Lifetime TV movie.  Super excited, I checked up often on the film, anxious to know when it was going to be shown on TV.  I ended up *cough* downloading it because I don’t have Lifetime here at home and man, it made me cry like nothing ever has.  So many good, emotional moments that I really can’t put into words.  You have to see it yourself.

With the highly publicized recent teen suicides in the US, I think this film is more relevant than ever.  I read somewhere that an estimated 3000 teens a year kill themselves because of their sexual orientation, and some of them aren’t even queer but bullied and harassed that it gets to that point where they can’t think of anything else to do.  My documentary project is still with me, waiting to be made, and after last year, I seriously thought about realizing it.  I’ve decided that if I don’t get into UBC when I apply next year, I will go around the US and Canada, interviewing people and speaking with those affected by gay teen suicides.  I will try my best to finally make my project.

We’ll see how that goes.

30 Day Song Challenge: Days 4 + 5

Well, since I was busy with my boyfriend all of yesterday (which, by the way, was a strange experience as I have never spent an entire day with him before — but it was great!) so I didn’t get a chance to post and I’m sure you’re all dying to know what the next songs I’ve posted.  Bazinga.  I’m sure you’re all too busy with deciding who won the federal debate the past two days.

Day 4 was a song that makes you sad.  Now that’s a topic I know lots about.  So many songs make me sad in different ways, but surprisingly (or maybe not), one of the first songs that popped into my head was “Without You” from the movie/musical Rent.  I can’t remember how I felt about it when I saw the movie for the first time but it was definitely after my first bf and I had broken up that the meaning of the song just devastated me.  I would cry every time I heard it, including one time when I was walking down the street, listening to the Rent soundtrack and I was a crying mess walking on the sidewalk.  I eventually had to find a quiet place to control myself.  And when I played it on the piano and sang, it would be the same thing.  Once after I finished playing it, I just burst into tears.  No other song has ever done that to me.

I had originally posted Sarah McLachlan’s “Sweet Surrender” for the song for Day 5 – A song that reminds you of someone, but I decided a few minutes ago to change it to something that I wrote.  Last night, I played a few songs for a fundraiser my friend Stephen Emery had organized to collect donations for the relief effort in Japan and I had originally planned to sing “You Will Never Know These Words”.  But after I saw the small crowd at J Lounge, I decided that it probably wasn’t the best audience to rant about my father (I sang “Goodbye Spain” instead, since it seems to the a favourite amongst people).  Every time I’ve sang YWNKTW, I’ve dedicated it to my dad, who still hasn’t ever come to see me perform.  I know he will probably never truly understand me and the things I love to do.