That awkward moment

when someone you know replies to your Craigslist sex ad.

Gay dating woes

Is there something wrong with me? – 19 (Coquitlam )

Do you ever wonder what the hell is wrong with you? Why you’re the one that’s stuck single?
Well I do. And often.
What makes the other guy so special? Why is he with him and not me? In my case I feel it has to be something more than good looks because I know I have physical appeal and I also know what type of guys I like.
I’m gay, 19, and live in Coquitlam. I expect nothing from this post other than an open forum to hopefully sympathize with others.

In my past I’ve had one serious relationship. It lasted approximately 3 months. I was his first guy, and the first guy he introduced to his family. It died off pretty fast as we were in different stages of life and had different interests and priorities. This was over a year ago. Since then I’ve had multiple casual intimate encounters with several different guys (I’m pretty comfortable with myself). Some were super hot and some not as much. But they all never once struck me as “boyfriend material” as we like to say. I’ve also been through some painfully awkward dates. Still, no results.

So, like any other, I’ve resorted to this, and grindr, and plenty of fish, and checking missed connections. Desperate right? I’m not really looking for nsa sex, it doesn’t interest me.

Why is it that most gays are scared of commitment and , or is it just that we are all just too egotistical to even meet each other on a friend to friend basis without having to know who’s top and who’s bottom.

Regards, the confused gay.

My response:

Hey there,

First of all, no, there is nothing wrong with you. Also, I’d point out that you’re 19 and although you may feel like you’ve been single forever, you still have a lot of time. Sure, I was a bit desperate when I started dating at 19, especially seeing my friends in relationships and me trying and failing time and time again. But you still have years to date and find someone (or, let’s face it, possibly continue being single too).

I don’t think there is just one reason why it’s so hard to find a decent guy in this city. Part of it is where you look. Grindr and Craigslist don’t exactly attract guys looking for relationships (guys on Plenty of Fish are more serious though, but of course luck is involved). And maybe the simplest answer is that there are so fewer gay guys than straight guys that it also means there are fewer good gay guys. Unfortunately.

Why are guys scared of commitment? Again, I think it’s a number of different things. Part of it is that they simply don’t want relationships. I think a lot of guys have been hurt in relationships and are in a sort of in-between stage, where they’re just floundering around, hooking up while also looking for a relationship and hoping their sexual adventures lead somewhere. That’s where I was a few years ago (and sort of still am, to a much lesser extent). Lastly, I think the perception of other gay men plays a big part in what we want for ourselves. If all gay guys are out having NSA sex and this is perceived to be the norm, then others might do the same. I don’t know for sure how gay men view long-term relationships, but I can see some thinking that it’s too much effort, that they don’t want to get tied down to anything when there are so much hot guys out there to bang, or that they work so much that they don’t have time for a relationship (a friend of mine has claimed this). There’s a plethora of reasons out there.

Sorry to hear things haven’t been going that great. I completely understand and empathize with you. Gay men are shallow pigs, most of whom don’t know how to spell and have proper grammar (though I suppose most guys in general are like that). That’s the way things are, unfortunately. That being said, I’ve met a lot of cool gay guys who I can say are my friends. Not many, but at least I know they exist (and I didn’t have to know their sexual position either). It’s just hard to find the right circles where you fit in.

When those guys you had “intimate encounters” with not come across as boyfriend material to you? I have a theory about dating that I could share with you and I think it would be helpful, but it’s getting a bit late and since I’m an old man, I gotta go to bed soon (I’m not actually that old! I just turned 26 a few days ago), so I can tell you some other time if you’d like. In the meantime, I hope some of what I said was applicable to your situation in some way. Have a good night, and talk with ya later

Cheers,

Aaron

“Your pic gets mine”

Fuck, I hate that stupid phrase, said by “discreet” (aka cowardly, paranoid) guys who also usually insist that they’re bi or straight. Straight guys always complain about how straight girls create so much drama, but fucking gay guys do too — and I don’t mean the stereotypical, flamboyant gay guy. It’s these self-proclaimed “masculine” — whatever the fuck that means — turds who continue to perpetuate this idea that being gay is such a scary, unwanted thing that god forbid you send a picture first. But no, you just want to judge people first, as if you’re soooo hot, hiding behind your misspelled words and general stupidity.

Screw you guys, I’m going home.

Best thing I’ve read today

Gay men are not shallow or superficial at all:

“i have model looks so im not into unattractive guys.”

I guess it’s Craigslist, so what do you expect, but really? Come on.

Sexual racism exhausts me

Spent the day asking friends about their views on racism in the gay community and many of them don’t see “NO ASIANS” as a problem. In fact, they think it’s acceptable, which was incredibly infuriating and frustrating. Tried not to get overwhelmed and upset and tried to diffuse the conversations with questions (“Why do you think that?” “How might you feel if someone said, ‘Not into white guys’?”) but then that just lead to more angering words. It’s the end of the day and I’m just exhausted .

Who would’ve thought arguing with people could be so draining. All in a day’s work, I suppose.

 

Submission No. 3 of the month

The scene: me at my laptop, tearing at my skin and yelling in anxiety and frustration at Microsoft Word for suddenly putting in borders in the creative non-fiction story I have to read over, format, and send off to subTerrain magazine before the post office closes.  It was a mad scene, complete with sprinting to and from the kitchen to find appropriate-sized envelopes, and wondering loudly how big a SASE should be (I went with a regular sized envelope).  It was only as I was preparing to leave that my mother inconveniently told me that the post office closed at 5 or 6.

Oh.

Nevertheless, I submitted my personal essay on the ridiculousness of Craigslist gay personal ads to subTerrain, which is my third submission so far this month.  I think I’m doing a good job (I have to say that because no one else will say that), and I have plans to submit a couple more pieces to other publications soon.  We’ll see what happens!

Also, I was reading through a back-issue of subTerrain and saw that one of my English professors, Peter Babiak, at Langara College had a piece in there, which was pretty cool (unless it’s a different Peter Babiak who also happens to be a writer in Vancouver).

The Wannabe-Filmmaker’s Guide to Making a Short Film — 6 days to go

After turning on my phone this morning, I get a text from Joe, saying the following:

My Ear infection spread to my throat and it started to swell up so I had to go to the hospital.

My immediate response was something along the lines of, “When did you have an ear infection??  Also, OMG!!”

But seconds later, another text popped up:

But I’m better now.  It’s like that time we filmed the pill movie and I had no voice.

Six days to go and I have an almost-mute cinematographer with an infection.  Just what I need.

Updates:

We have a gaffer!  YES!!!!  (courtesy of Joe) We may also have a driver, my friend Kelvin, to help get equipment on Friday (courtesy of me).

Crew update:
Director: me!
Cinematographer: Joe
1st Camera Assistant: Chris
Gaffer: Zac

Drivers:
Elaine
Kelvin?

To be filled in:
Makeup
Sound
Gaffer/lighting
Art Director
Camera op.
EPK
1st AD

I posted an ad for an Art Director on craigslist.  No response as of yet.

Was supposed to go shopping for a photo frame but didn’t have enough time, as I had to send out frantic emails to the woman whose house we’ll be using for the shoot.  Eventually, she texted me tonight about things, and mentioned a “rental fee”, which of course, I completely forgot about.  If I were to be writing a guide book, one of the things I’d advise wannabe-filmmakers to be aware of is paying people — everyone associated with the shoot.  Not just cast and crew.  And paying doesn’t have to be money, either.  It can be food, or copies of DVDS, or a credit on IMDB or something.  You gotta work that out.  But be aware that people will probably expect something from you, unless you’ve made it perfectly clear that you are a dirty broke artist making a film for absolutely no money.

Joe said the total for the equipment rentals is about $144, which isn’t too bad, really.  I don’t mind paying it, if it’s what we need to make a good movie.

Since I have the day off tomorrow, hopefully we can sort out some more details.  Let’s hope no one else gets any infections.