Found out I’m not the greatest at job interviews. It might be because I haven’t done one in years, and before that, another year or so. I think the best thing I did was trying to be funny and making them laugh. But now, as I reminisce about what I should’ve and shouldn’t have said, I just get this overwhelming feeling that maybe this isn’t what I’m supposed to be doing. I should be writing or making films or making music as my job, something I actually feel comfortable doing. It sucks that the world doesn’t work that way.

The death of my film career

I spent the past few minutes submitting my latest film I completed last year, June, to queer film festivals. Only I did it with a sense of defeat. I’ve been telling people for the last while that I’m starting to move away from film; having written and directed short films for the past few years and not gotten much out of it except for a cool thing I can boast about every now and then, filmmaking, as fun as it has been, is so difficult to not just make money from, but to get people interested in.

I’d love to get screened at Outfest, but they’ve rejected all my films, year after year. I’d love to win the Gerry Brunet Award, but I haven’t. I don’t make films for money, but when I put money (and hard work and time and all that) into something I do and don’t get nearly as much after, it leaves you feeling a little deflated.

As with music, the first artsy project I undertook when I was exiting my teens and entering the scary world of the twenty-something, I found that people just didn’t care. And it was hard to make people care, especially when I’m not the type to go around proclaiming how everyone should “listen to my cover on my youtube channel because I’m 5 years old and it would mean so much to me please!” I don’t know what it is. Maybe I just marketed myself poorly when I went around the city and played shows, shows where the other musicians were all guitarists and seemingly more approachable than a gay, Chinese kid playing sad songs on a keyboard.

I’ve been unpopular my whole life, but I guess I thought that people would see through that and get interested in my music because my music was quality. So when I quit music and turned to film, that cycle and that hope began again– only now, I’m declaring the film world the winner, and me the loser.

I like my films. I know they’re not perfect, and I know they may not be super fancy because they’re simple films, but I like to think they’re different and they have a certain quality to them. I like to think I have interesting stories to tell, especially with June, which I’ve spent almost two years developing. I guess I wouldn’t be so reluctant and unenthusiastic about sending out my short film if I didn’t have to pay a submission fee, since it’s not even guaranteed that my film will be shown. And even when it is shown, many film festivals don’t pay, at least not short film filmmakers. So I end up paying a festival to watch my work, potentially paying more money to send an exhibition copy of the film — all in exchange for some people watching my film for 6 minutes.

Is this good enough? Is exposure really good enough? Not for short films. Maybe for features, but most people, I think, don’t really think about short films after (unless they’re exceptional), and even then, it’s unlikely that short film filmmakers get their big break via exposure. It’s difficult for me to justify sending out my film to a festival I feel won’t screen my work when they won’t pay me for it, after I’ve spent a long time working on it. But what else can I do?

I’ll still be sending out June because I spent so much time and effort (and money) on it that it would be a waste to simply let it sit on my computer this year. In a perfect world, short film filmmakers would get more than just exposure. I make films — and music and I write — because I love it. But I can’t use love to rent out equipment for my next film and to pay for film transferring, and for all the people who worked on my film. Wish I could though.

Woah, people actually voted!

I was surprised to see even one vote, but now there are three! Wow! I’m going to keep it at the top of the blog every day so people can see it and vote.

Also, thanks to the three people who voted for their encouragement.

Myself in ___ years

Someone asked me recently what I’d be doing in 10 years.  I responded, “I can’t even imagine myself in 10 years.”  This person laughed, interpreting what I said to mean, “Ten years?  That’s so off into the future, I just have no idea!”

What I really meant was that I couldn’t even imagine myself alive in 10 years, let alone what I’d be doing if I were.  Maybe it’s my uncertainty about the future.

Or maybe it’s that I genuinely feel like I won’t live past 30.

A plan for the future

I know what I want to be when I grow up.

But I can’t tell you or else you’ll steal my idea.

All I can promise is that it’s awesome.  And that I’ll need lots of help.

I thought this was a blog about my misery.  Well, I’m trying a different approach.

Let’s see how this works.