Boyfriend dream

Woke up and wrote this all down before I forgot because I think it’s a little special.

Boyfriend dream

I was in a relationship with my dashing friend Owen.  We also were on tour with the Vancouver Queer Film Festival, on their tour bus as they drove across the country (which they don’t do, of course).  At one stop, the QFF set up some promotional stuff in this town, including Owen’s contribution: a bright pink, glittering diorama featuring him and another girl on stage.  There was also some writing with the diorama explaining how super gay he was.

Owen’s mother was there, and he had not come out to his family yet.  I found her staring at her son’s very loud diorama, and went over to her.  I asked her about his singing and his songs.  She kept asking me, “When?” which confused me, and when I tried to clarify, she only repeated the same question: “When?”  I told her I hadn’t heard any of songs Owen had been writing, but that he had told me he was writing some songs last summer.

I walked off so she could absorb the news of son’s strange coming out.  There were also two other younger kids there with her, presumably her other children.

I texted Owen to “come here” since his family was there.  He didn’t respond.  Instead, the next thing I knew, he was standing with his family and talking with his dad.  It appeared they were arguing.  I stood a little way off, watching, knowing this wasn’t my place.  Both of us, and possibly everyone there, was dressed in black.  I was dressed in my uniform from Fifth Avenue.

Owen came over and said I should properly meet them.  He took my hand and confidently walks over to his family.  I, on the other hand, am a nervous wreck.  I look up at him, and his face is hard and determined, and I feel bad.  I ask him if it’s really appropriate/too much that we’re holding hands especially since his dad just got the news and isn’t okay with it, and we let our hands fall.

Owen introduced me to his father, who glared at me.  I knew he though I “corrupted” his son.  My lip trembled from being so nervous.  His dad said I was just a “sex hookup” and left.  I yelled back as he was leaving that Owen and I hadn’t even had sex yet, and that we were still together because loved each other.  I said goodbye to his family, and called his mother Alice (because we were totally bffs).  I told Owen his mom was much nicer/understand than his dad, while Owen struggles to genuflect awkwardly and for seemingly no reason at all.

That’s it.  I don’t actually know if Owen’s mom’s name is Alice but it would be freaky if it were.  I texted him today and told him I had a dream with him in it but he didn’t respond.  I’ll ask him about his mom later.

By the way, Owen has a girlfriend.  Or so he says.

Dream 11

And while I’m on a roll about Jordan, here’s another one from Sept. 11, 2005.

There was a whole bunch of people watching this outdoor thing around Victoria Drive.  When it was over, everybody started [leaving right] away, like after the fireworks in the summer.  I needed to get to the Victoria Drive bus station.  Since there were so many people, it was hard to get through.  I saw some Grade 11’s there, like Spencer.  People kept stepping on my shoes.  I got to the crowded bus stop.  While I [walked, I saw?] J Lo’s dead body on the way.  People were crying, so I guess it was because of her.  I saw Jordan in the navy blue shirt that I saw him on Friday.  Immediately, I went over to him and said hey.  He seemed a bit surprised but I dragged him away to a quieter place.  I asked him how he was and he said he was okay.  For some reason, my hands were around his waists and his were around mine.  I told him we needed to talk.

We went and sat down on this picnic table.  Jordan sat across from me.  Karen Lee sat beside him.  Jordan told me I was too late; he already had a boyfriend.  I wasn’t really sad, just… disappointed.  I asked what his bf was like.  he said his bf was nice, kind, etc.  He told me that he would not tell me the name of his bf and I said that was okay, since I was gonna find out and bring it up again.  He told me that he really, really, liked me in the past.  I asked why he liked me.  He said that he didn’t really like me (personality-wise) but he though I was hot.  He also said he did crazy stuff just to talk to me.  For example, he made up an account on MSN Messenger named JD Onick that lived in Toronto.  Karen used the user to talk to me cuz she said she was bored.

He said [something illegible] that I had missed my chance and that I was too late.

[My commentary: oh what a dream.  Like I said, I doubt he’s actually gay but typing up these dreams on my blog is giving me ideas for another gay romance story… hmmmmm….]

 

Dream 10

From Aug. 24, 2005

I was in the old house, in my own room.  It was about 8:00 at night, or that’s what my alarm clock said.  I think my sister introduced me to this guy in a robe, who was actually Jordan.  Almost immediately, I began making moves on him.  I remember we talked about stuff, but I don’t remember what.  I put my arms around him and felt his warmth.  But he was all, “Don’t get me wrong.  I have nothing against those people.”  In other words, he was straight.  I (obviously) was sad and asked if he could just lie next to me on my bed.  He did.  Don’t know how it ended because the dream was too long ago.

[My commentary: sigh.  I think I can decipher this one.  I had a huge crush on this guy, and actually knew a little about him so it wasn’t just an infatuation based on looks like it was for Sean.  Anyway, I really thought there was a chance he was gay, or maybe it was just wishful thinking.  At the time, though I longed for a boyfriend, what I really wanted was to have a gay friend, to have someone I could talk to about these things.  Despite coming out at 14, I thought that I’d be somehow find a hidden community of gay teens like me at school but that never happened.  I’m sure my lack of any sort of popularity/most people never knowing I was actually out contributed to it as well.

In the end, Jordan probably did turn out to be straight and it really wasn’t until post-high school that I started to actually talk to and find people like me.  It was so alienating, so lonely.  More lonely than I can really put in words.]

10 Defining Moments of My Life (so far) — #10: Scott

10.  Number 10.  The only really sweet on one this screwed up list.  I had met Scott 2 months ago on an online gay youth site.  I remember seeing his picture and immediately realizing there was something special about him.  It was just one of those moments when you see something in someone when you don’t even know them.  Scott lives in Kentucky and goes to Mortuary school (for funeral directors) in Indiana.  We sent messages for a couple months, and one day, I just couldn’t stop thinking about him.  We instant messaged each other, and I told him what was going on.  He told me he “had a thing for me” for a while, which I was completely taken aback, seeing as how I had never been in any kind of relationship before.  I went as far as printing out a cute picture of him and putting him in my wallet, smiling every time I saw it.  In the picture, he’s wearing a green and white striped shirt and he has this grin that makes me feel like he’s standing inches away, instead of miles, giving me an honest hug.  Needless to say, those limited days were the happiest I had ever felt.  Then, 2 weeks and 5 days later, it was over.  He broke up with me over a simple misunderstanding and even after everything got sorted out and I finally knew what was going on, we didn’t get back together.  And I still have that picture in my wallet today.  It still makes me smile when I look at it.

What If Love…

I had a dream last night, and a very vivid one too.  I was with some of my friends, and it was a sunny day.  We were going across the city, through narrow passages between buildings.  I was following my friend Lulu, who seemed to know where she was going, which was good because I sure as hell didn’t.

Eventually we came to this little shop.  A woman inside told us to sit down at this large table.  She said she was a psychic of some sort, and that she’d be able to tell us the future.  Lulu sat beside me.  She was playing with some tea lights.  The woman told us to each take a candle/tea light and to light it.  My tea light burned weakly.  I think it was because there was a lot of melted wax, so the wick wasn’t exposed very much.

The woman started chanting some stuff.  She told us that we would see our futures and I think most of us were pretty skeptical about it.  I heard and noticed people around me oooh-ing and ahh-ing at things, but I wasn’t sure what they were seeing.  An image formed before my eyes, like a hologram.  There were three divers and two of them were having some unusual form of sex while the third was oblivious, swimming nearby.  I kept watching, not knowing what this all meant, all the while still hearing my friends around me being amazed and excited and scared at their futures.

Lulu moved her hand around my hologram future-thing when she noticed I was unusually quiet, unlike everyone else.  I waved her off, telling her I was watching it all unfold.

This next part is sort of a blank.  I can’t remember it, unfortunately, but I can remember what I was watching had me extremely emotional and upset; events were implied, which I already knew to be true and it scared me.  What I mean is this:

I was one year or two in the past.  Don’t ask me why or how that happened.  It was a dream.  Strange things happen like that.

What I saw (or rather, what I saw implied) was that I’d meet a really interesting guy who I would eventually love, only to have it all break, leaving me in ruins.  The thing is, since I was from the future, I already knew this to be true and I was suddenly so upset and emotional that I had the chance of possibly saving myself the hurt that I had already felt.

I could change my present by changing the past.  But that would mean I would never meet Kem, that I would never get to know him and never love him.  It would also, potentially, mean that I wouldn’t go through that slut phase I went through after our breakup, something I regret going through.

I cried.  No, I bawled.  I completely broke down watching my hologram future but it still continued.  The image transformed into a forest of strange stalks of some sort, kind of like tulips.  I kept crying and from behind the shrubs, a face appeared.  It was a woman, her face done with makeup, ancient and mystic-looking.  I asked her to stop, that I couldn’t take anymore, and she told me there was so much more I could know, but I refused.  I had enough.  She accepeted my response and then asked me, “What do you treasure the most, right now?”

I looked around and saw my friends, laughing.  I told her my friends were the most important part of my life and that I loved them.  Sure, I love my family as well, but there were certain things I couldn’t tell them that I could only feel comfortable telling my friends.  She nodded, and rolled out a toy ball from behind the glade.  It was decorated like a clown.

She told me to go have fun with them, to clown around, essentially.  Then she and the hologram disappeared.  I looked over at my friends.  They each all had balls of their own, playing with them joyfully across the table.  I smiled, but there was still something on my mind.

When we were all done, I went to see the woman, the psychic.  I told her I saw things I knew would happen, and wondered if there was any way I could prevent it.  I think she told me something, but I can’t remember.  Soon after that, I woke up.

The odd thing about this (as if this wasn’t odd enough) is that I’ve thought about this idea before.  I wrote a script about a guy who’s told he has a choice between two paths: finding and loving someone deeply for a short while but being emotionally devastated after, or not experiencing true love for an unknown amount of time.  In the end, the protagonist accepts the road of love, knowing fully he’ll be hurt.

In my dream, I was a few years in the past, and the fact that I apparently had a choice to not only change how I would be emotionally but who I could be as a person (ie. not meeting Kem could change me from the person that I am now) was so powerful, so important that I was so upset.  When I wrote the script as a “What if” sort of thing, I began to wonder in my own life, if I had the choice as to whether or not I met Kem and I knew it would make me so sad after for so long, would I still meet him?  What would I do?

And now with this dream, I actually had the chance.  If the choice were presented to me, I honestly don’t know what I would do.  Before I ever started dating anyone, I didn’t know how bad a breakup leave you feeling.  If I did know (ie. if the choice were given to me now), I think I might be safe and decide not to have met Kem at all.  But if the choice were given to me two years ago, I probably would’ve gone for love because I was so… ready, I guess is the right word.  I really was ready to dedicate myself to someone and I wanted to know what it would be like, which isn’t to say that I don’t want to date someone now, but that because of my past relationship, it’s left me a lot more jaded and hesitant about spending my feelings on someone.

Anyway, this was all a random expelling of thoughts that’ve been in my mind since waking up this morning, so if you’re wondering why my writing is really simple and not that great, that’s why.  I’ll probably be thinking about this for a few days.

Sigh.