Good Morning, Heartache (part 9)

14 04 2012

Good Morning, Heartache (part 9)

Dear H.,

Well, I actually hope you’ll see this, and if you do, please just listen, and think about it instead of dismissing it right off the bat.

I know you seem to have moved on, but there are so many things I wish I could tell you.  I don’t know if it will make a difference or not, but I’d still like you to know.

First, my biggest regret is that I wish we didn’t break up so fast. 

I wish we would have taken the time to sort things out, to figure out a solution.  I should’ve known that I would spend hours, days, months thinking and thinking.  I wouldn’t have let you give up on me so easily instead of accepting everything you said.  I should’ve known that I would overthink everything to try and fix things.  I wish I realized just how much I loved you, and how that should count for something.

The thought of going on a break did cross my mind at the time, but I didn’t see how that would’ve helped, since the issue was about not spending enough time together.  In retrospect, I wish we did go on a break, so we could both think and re-evaluate things, as well as come up with a solution, instead of chucking away everything so damn quickly.

I keep thinking about how, when we were walking along the beach after our conversation, we walked in silence, and I could’ve… I should’ve stopped walking and said, “No, this doesn’t feel right.  I’m not going to throw everything we’ve worked on away so quickly.  I know we can work things out.  Please, let’s try.”  But I didn’t. 

List of Sorrys and Future actions:

It would be easy to lay out all the things I am sorry about, but that would all be talk of the past.  In addition to all the things I acknowledge I did wrong and all the fuck-ups I’ve made, I’m also including ways I will do– or at the very least, try– to fix them, so I won’t have to keep fucking up.

My first and biggest apology is that I never apologized enough.  Sometimes, I think I apologize too much; other times, I am so stingy with my apologies.  When it came to you, I know I didn’t offer enough apologies.  I can have a lot of pride and a lot of the time, I don’t like to be wrong.  I am so, so sorry for a lot of things.  Mostly, I’m sorry I didn’t say sorry back.

I’m sorry I didn’t say I’m sorry back to you about the chapstick incident.  I remember you apologizing about it after, but I didn’t.

I’m sorry for making such a big deal out of our 6th month anniversary.  It’s just goddamn 6th months– a blip on the relationship timeline, nowhere near important as, say, one year.  I should have been more understanding that you were busy.  And for the record, when you said, “Forgive me for being busy!”, I forgive you.

I’m sorry for snapping at you that one time while we were walking after class.  It was noisy outside, and you asked me to repeat what I said a few times, and I eventually yelled it at you.  I never yell, and I the only reason I would is because I was comfortable enough (and not self-aware enough) with you to do it.  That was not nice of me, and I should have more patience than that, not to mention I shouldn’t snap at you.

I’m sorry I complained about the Amazing Race event during the sleepover at the Botanical Garden.  I probably sounded ungrateful, and even though I caught myself in the midst of ranting to you and stopped ranting after that, I actually didn’t apologize.  I will be sure to apologize if I do it again.

I’m sorry I didn’t try as hard to get you off after you got me off.  (I’m extra sorry about this one)  If I get off first, I will work extra hard to make you feel as good as you make me feel, which includes lots, TONS more rimming since I didn’t do it nearly enough, and I know you love it.

I’m sorry I stopped you from sucking my dick in the private changeroom at the community center because I was afraid we’d get caught.  In retrospect, that would’ve been really hot.  I wouldn’t stop you if it happened again.

I’m sorry if I didn’t make you happy.  If you ever had any problem or issues, you know you can talk to me.  I am always willing to do my best to make you happy.

I’m sorry I can’t be as optimistic as you, or as you want me to be.  I know it will take time, but I’m willing to at least try to think more positively.

I’m sorry I was insecure about our relationship.  I’m not used to good things staying with me (as you can see now).  I’m sorry if my insecurities got in the way.  I will try to enjoy having you around instead of wondering and questioning everything.

I’m sorry how obstinate I was when you were cautious about holding hands in public near Commercial Drive.  If you weren’t comfortable with it, I shouldn’t have argued with you and pushed you to do it,  and I promise I will listen to you next time you tell me you don’t feel safe about things like that.

I’m sorry I didn’t go with you and your friends to the beach at low tide.  I know it was something you were really excited about.  I’m sorry I missed out on that opportunity.  I would go in a heartbeat if I were invited.

I’m sorry I wasn’t more expressive about everything you were interested in.  I really am enthousiastic about the things you love, like animals.  I love nature and animals too.  I’m sorry if I didn’t acome across that way.  I think sea slugs are actually pretty cool looking.  I hope you realized that I’m not outwardly excited much, but that doesn’t mean I’m not happy or excited about things.  I forget that it can be difficult to tell if I’m not outwardly expressing myself, and I’ll do my best to show you how I’m feeling.

I’m sorry for about half the times I said “I love you”, because I didn’t mean it as much as the other ones.  Maybe I said it too much, but it goes back to how I will not hesitate to tell and show people I care about that I care about them.  To me, whenever I saw you, I was always, always taken aback by the stunning, beautiful, handsome, caring man before me.  My husky.  I’m reminded of a line from a movie: “Love me less, but love me a long time.”  If that’s what you want me to do, I will.

I’m sorry I didn’t want to go to any of the other haunted houses at Fright Nights.  I’ll man-up.

I’m sorry for the time I got annoyed when I flaked out on dinner with my family to be with you.  I’m sorry I didn’t realize it was one of the few times you actually wanted to be with me instead of the other way around.  I will be sure to cherish all the time we have together.

I’m sorry I refused to take salsa dancing lessons together.  I thought it was a great idea, and I honestly didn’t have any good reasons to object to it.  At least it would have got us more times together.  I’m sorry I didn’t realize this.  I’m still up for it if you are.

I’m sorry I was so opposed to Shakira.  She’s not that bad.  At least better than friggin’ Rhianna.

I’m sorry I realized all these things too late.  I suppose knowing all these things now is better than not at all or never, but it’s been so long that I feel as if it’s useless now.  Please tell me it isn’t.

Here are some things I’ve thought about as well:

I never tried to pry you from your family obligations because I knew they were important to you.  You pulled me out of having dinner with my family at the last minute because it was nice outside.  Sometimes, I thought you didn’t understand. 

I wish I was more adventurous with you.  Now I wish I had let you put that big beetle thing on my hand on Langara Day.  Or that time I stayed hard after we had another day of mind-blowing sex, and you hinted that you wanted to stay and do it again, but instead, I ushered you out.  

Because of you, I doubt my ability to be a good boyfriend.  I feel as if I have failed — failed our relationship and failed to be understanding as your boyfriend.  If you ever had a problem with anything at all, I would’ve hoped you could be comfortable to share it with me, despite how I might feel about it.  My goal as your boyfriend would be to make you happy, and to love you, and if you spared my feelings but not telling me something that was bothering you, I wouldn’t have been able to help.

You know I am insecure.  I am insecure with being in a relationship because I feel that things will end and that I will lose whomever I am with.  You said you didn’t feel insecure because our relationship was strong.  I let you know how much I loved you as much as I could because unlike my father and my family, I will not hesitate to say or show that I love someone.  I feel like I did that for you, but months after we were together, I didn’t feel it back.  I no longer felt special to you, and sometimes, it seemed you could go for days without seeing me or even speaking to me if you wanted, and you could be content with that.  You became complacent with me, did you not?  When we would meet, did you think, “Here comes my fantastic boyfriend.  God, I’m so in love with him.”  Or was it simply, “There’s this guy who happens to be my boyfriend.  Meh.”  I asked you to show me– show me that you love me, and I didn’t feel like you showed me much.  I wanted to be around you so much because I loved you so much.  There’s no simpler way to explain it.

Looking back, I think it’s clear that I loved you more than you loved me.

I know nothing about this guy you’re with, but I know he will not love you as I did.  Whether or not you think that’s a good or bad thing is up for you to decide.

I keep thinking of the times we had sex and I thought this was a bad thing, that I should be thinking of something more profound than the times we did it.  But I realized that these were the times — as cheesy as it sounds — we made love, and I felt such a strong emotional connection to you, to the point where I remember saying once, “I love you” when we had amazing, passionate love.

Everyone seems to think I’m better off, or that I can do better, and even you think so.  It seems I’m the only one who thinks otherwise.  Does it not mean anything to you that I’m willing to fight for you?  You really think hapy enedings are just in movies and shows?  What does it mean to you that I’m doing all this?  Do you think this is all just a big stunt?  I wouldn’t be doing this I didn’t think you were worth fighting for.  I’m showing you.

When I got your text that there were things you wanted to discuss a few days after we broke up, I thought you were going to ask me back, and I was so happy and relieved.  Oh, how I was wrong.

I’ve also thought about a lot of what you said, mostly what you said in December, but some of them are further back.  Here are some of my observations (the quotations are things you’ve said):

Apparently, you’ve been telling people who ask why we broke up, “I’m not ready to settle down.”

I never asked you to settle down with me.  If I gave you the impression that I wanted us to move in, get married and have kids — which is what I think settling down conssits of, then I’m sorry.  I simply wanted to be your boyfriend, here in the present.  Anything in the future, whether it be settling down or whatever, is uncertain.  That is all.

If your idea of settling down is being in a monogamous relationship– if what you really meant was that you wanted to go out and have fun with other people and not have to work at a real relationship– if that’s what you thought, then maybe you should’ve said that.  You may not believe when I say this, but if that’s what you want, I still think we could work things out.  I’m not as inflexible as you think.

“Sometimes there’s no easy way.”

Is this how you justify breaking my heart?  True, sometimes there are no easy ways to fix a difficult solution, but letting me go instead of working hard to fix our almost year-long relationship seems like the easy way out. 

It seems quite easy for you, the way you cast me off seemingly without hesitation, how you resisted me so easily when I kissed your cheek and brushed my nose against your like we used to do on what would have been our 10 months together.

“I’m no good for you.”

It’s another way of saying the good ole “it’s not you, it’s me.”  It’s not that you’re not good for you.  It’s that you don’t want to be the one for me.  If you genuinely don’t want to be with me, then I would think you would be man enough to say that.  Don’t tell me it’s for my own good, because it’s not.  I never asked you to break up with me, and I didn’t want to that day.  You said you weren’t expecting to break up either.

You are good for me.  Why do you think we were together for so long?  Because even though you disappointed me, you made me deliriously happy, and in the end, being happy with you is always better than disappointment.  That’s the plain and simple truth.

“How many people end up with the first person they’re with?  You gotta go through 2, 3, 4, 5 people.”

With that thinking, in your mind, our relationship wouldn’t have worked out anyway for the sole reason that I was the first person you were with?  How can you think like that?  You may think it’s realistic, and yes, many people don’t end up with their firsts, but once in a while, there are those who do.  Couldn’t we have been an exception?  You say this like probability is a valid reason for us not to be together. 

“You can choose to not be sad.  You can choose to be happy.”

When you said that, it made me feel as if you weren’t happy when we were together, that I made you sad or unhappy.  I wonder if you chose to be happy by being with somebody else.  I wonder if you were even a fraction of how sad I was.

“I didn’t know what I wanted when we were together, and I don’t know what I want now.”

Why didn’t you tell me?

You were my boyfriend, and I thought that’s what you wanted.  Was I just some test for you to figure out what you wanted?  I poured all my feelings into you because I knew I loved you. Was it just convenient for you that we broke up?

I guess you know enough that you don’t want me, right? 

When I asked you if you honestly had time for a relationship, you said, “I guess not.”

But quite obviously, you do have time if you’re seeing someone.  What you meant was that you couldn’t– didn’t want to– dedicate time to our relationship.

My friend said that she honestly felt you didn’t prioritize our relationship.  That’s not to say that being boyfriends should be the number one thing in your life, ahead of school or work or whatever, and I wouldn’t want either of us to do that.  Of course not.  But a relationship is something you have to continuously work on, and I don’t think you spent enough time working on our relationship.  Do think you did?  Or did you do it intentionally because you didn’t want to see me? Am I crazy to even think that?

“He’s not here.  He’s gone for ten months.”

Why did you tell me this right after you admitted you were seeing someone?  Did you think this would soften the blow somehow?  If anything, it only means you’d rather be with someone halfway across the world than with me, who is here, ready and willing to sort through this mess, to make things work again.

“I know you don’t want an open relationship or polyamory.”

That’s not fair.

You asked me that based on a hypothetical situation and said you didn’t mean anything by it.  I may have not had favourable opinions on either open relationships or polyamory but that doesn’t mean I would never consider it.  Like all things, we’d have to talk about the rules, what’s acceptable and what’s not.  We’d have to talk it over.  I would listen and I would think about it before making a decision.  Anyway, I thought the issue was the amount of time we had for our relationship, not about whether we wanted to include others.  I thought you were too busy with work and volunteering to spend time with me, and now you’re implying it an open relationship or a polyamorous relationship would’ve been an option?  I don’t understand.  Were you trying to find a way to say you wanted to date around and not be with me all the time?  Or did you think that if I was allowed to date others, that I wouldn’t have to see you as often?

“Kind of.”

For someone who is so concerned about not hurting others, you certainly hurt me an incredible amount just by saying “kind of”, when I asked you if you were seeing someone.  Those aren’t very kind words at all.

Here’s some info that may or may not interest you:

According to wikipedia, a panick attack is “a discrete period of intense fear or discomfort, in which four (or more) of the following symptoms developed abruptly and reached a peak within 10 minutes:

  • Palpitations, or accelerated heart rate
  • Sweating
  • Trembling or shaking
  • Sensations of shortness of breath or smothering
  • Feeling of choking
  • Chest pain or discomfort
  • Nausea or abdominal distress
  • Feeling dizzy, unsteady, lightheaded, or faint
  • De-realization (feelings of unreality) or depersonalization (being detached from oneself)
  • Fear of losing control or going insane
  • Sense of impending death
  • Paresthesias (numbness or tingling sensations)
  • Chills or hot flashes”

Also according to wikipedia, this is one of the causes of panic attacks:

“Short-term triggering causes — Significant personal loss, including an emotional attachment to a romantic partner, life transitions, significant life change”

Sound familiar?

When you said “kind of”, it felt as though something inside me burst, or that I was bleeding internally or something.  I told you I needed to sit down because I felt so physically weak I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to keep standing up.  I wonder what you were thinking as you sat beside me while I gasped for breath, trembled, and tried to fight away the feeling of throwing up.  My heart collapsed right in front of you and you didn’t even know.  You didn’t do anything.

You may have seen me at school, walking away from the bus stop where you were standing.  The few times I have seen you, I get anxiety– the same symptoms as a panic attack (increased heart rate, trembling, difficulty breathing, gasping, sweating, feeling like I’m choking)– and I have to walk away because I cannot bear seeing the boy I used to love anymore.  The same boy who broke my heart.

It’s been almost a year.  I’ve changed, and I’m sure you have too.  The wants I had before are all different, and I now view relationships differently.  You say you’ve grown a lot because of me, and I have as well.  The difference is that I am willing to take those lessons that I’ve learned to try and make them right again, because I know you’re worth it.  You seem to want to take your knowledge and apply them to someone else.

I don’t know how much I would need to see the person I’m with.  Things like that should be worked out together, not expected.  I know that now.

“Try to be more optimistic.”

You know I find that hard to do.  But if there’s one thing I can honestly believe in that is optimistic (and perhaps it is blind optimism), it’s this:

It is never too late.

“I wish I could have done things differently.”

Don’t you see? 

You still can, H.  You still can.

We still can.

Letter of apology to a friend

23 07 2011

Through this photography project, I have discovered I am a terrible organizer.  I procrastinate until the very last minute or else I try to do things early but never follow through on things and end up doing things at the last minute.  I feel especially bad because for this project, I decided to make a film (maybe not such a wise choice), which then affects more people .  The lead in my film, though he’s a friend, probably hates me now and I’m willing to bet he doesn’t want to work with me on a film again since I’ve been hasseling him with text messages, some of which clearly show that I am disorganized.  At first he said, “no worries” and though he might have said that at first, as patient as he is, he probably doesn’t think that now.

We only have two other super short scenes to shoot but it’s taken me such a long time to organize everything that I feel terrible about putting him through everything.  I told him I’d treat him to some movies where I work and that I’d take him out to lunch or dinner sometime, but that still doesn’t excuse the fact that I suck.

Our last scheduled shoot day is Tuesday, in a few days, which isn’t too bad, except I know he’s working later that day and I wanted to avoid shooting on that day if at all possible so I wouldn’t piss him off or make him hate me but it looks like it’s our only choice since the other actor will be busy Monday afternoon, which is when I was planning to shoot.  I texted my friend and said, “Sorry for being a horrible scheduler.  I feel really bad for putting you through all this…” to which he didn’t respond, and I know that he won’t respond to it because he’s likely upset at me, even if he won’t tell me.  Sigh.

Sorry, Ryan.  I’ll work harder at organizing things much earlier from now on.  I hope you don’t hate me very much.