Waking up sad

6 02 2013

In my dream last night, I was riding  a tricycle speedily through the streets of my neighborhood on my way to Richmond (I think).  As I approached an intersection, there was a minivan there.  I looked at the driver, and saw that it was K.  I waved and smiled at him, and he gave me a small smile.  I rode up to him, got off my tricycle, and feeling bold, I opened the car door and kissed him hard, the way I should’ve done in December when I saw him.  He was taken aback (obviously) but kissed me back.  When we stopped, I asked him what he was doing.  Then I saw the cardboard boxes in the backseat, stacked upon each other and I knew.  He told me he was leaving the city, and when I asked if it was forever, he didn’t say anything.

I must’ve gotten into the car as well because I remember sitting in the passenger seat and covering my eyes with my hands, crying and crying that I would never see him again.  I wanted to go with him but then there was school and by the time I was done, he might be with someone else or have moved on from me.

When I woke up, I felt– and am still feeling– melancholic and sad.  I was planning on watching Django Unchained at Fifth for a matinee showing, but I knew I wouldn’t be in the right mood to watch something like that.  So here I am, writing about it and listening to Eluvium.

Paul Rudd is my step-father… I wish.

24 01 2013

A few nights ago, I had a dream, one among many, that my mother re-married to my all-time favourite male celebrity crush– Paul Rudd.  She was so happy, happier than I had seen her in a very long time, and I–well, I was just delighted I had such a hot and funny step-dad.

When I told my mom about my dream the following morning, she didn’t know who he was.  I thought my mom would think for sure that Mr. Rudd is a typical unattractive gwai loh.  So I pulled up a picture of him in a suit, and she said, in Cantonese, something to the effect of, “You would match me with such a handsome man!  You’re really spoiling me!”  Or at least I think that’s what she meant.  Anyway, she laughed a bit and said that a few times, about how I was spoiling her with a guy as handsome as him.  At least I know she likes him now.

Living in Inception

1 01 2013

For the past while, I’ve been waking up from dreams and feeling like I was in Inception, in that my dreams were a false reality, and that I was waking up into another false reality.  I felt just like Mal, believing that the only way to free myself is to die and wake up in the real world.  It was a really strange sensation, but it dissipated after a few moments.  I’ve never felt it before, but it certainly made me wonder a lot about what was real and false, if I’m actually living in another world, if everything I see and touch and feel is simply Simulacra and my body is somewhere else… how strange and frightening.

Frosted ice cream cones in my dream

20 11 2012

Nov. 20, 2012

I remember that my dreams were very complex and long, as most dreams of mine are, but I really only remember one specific scene.  I was at Fifth Ave, behind the counter even though I no longer work there, and I was helping out the staff because either they were understaffed or I was doing it for the good ‘ole times.  Anyway, someone ordered a “frosted ice cream cone”, which I had no idea what that was or how to get it, so I watched as two of the staff pulled out an oversized ice cream cone — one that was probably waist-high — and began filling the bottom, not the top, with ice cream.  Once that was packed in a little, they proceeded to fill in the top, like a regular ice cream cone, and then, tah-dah!  There was that humongous treat, in all its diabetic-glory.  Oh, and the cone was “frosted” because the top of the cone was dipped in chocolate (like the ones at the Marble Slab), and it was coated in what looked like sprinkles.  I said I wanted to have some sprinkles, so they scraped a big streak and all the candy rattled around on the counter and on the floor.  I picked up a yellow piece and chewed it.  It tasted like banana.  That was when I realized they were not sprinkles after all, but some sort of Runts.  How disappointing.

See you in our dreams

3 10 2012

Rachel and Artie from Glee were accompanying me on my quest.  I had been given clues to go to certain places, and once there, I would find an old shoe.  Inside, I would find more clues to the next location.  I didn’t understand it.

The three of us were in a dark forest.  The trees and the leaves on the ground were brown — burgundy, really.  There were two different tracks in front of us, like those little ramps in bowling alleys where the balls roll and return to the front of the bowling lane.  There were two separate ones in front of us, both metal.  I told Rachel and Artie, who were standing behind me, to wait until the balls were released, as it was implied (or else I “knew”) that the balls were there to kill us.  Two bangs went off from somewhere, and the cannonballs — or large metal balls — rolled out of the lanes,  We hopped across the tracks after they rolled past us and into the forest behind us, then sprinted until we got to smaller tracks that we were supposed to jump on and follow.  I jumped on it, and started weaving my way around, while Artie and Rachel seemed to stay on ground, pointing me as to where to go.  Finally, I got to the end of the tracks and was face to face with a worn out old boot.  I dumped the contents out: some coins, mostly.  The boot had the number 20 faded on it.  I knew that was significant, and I knew that the next boot or whatever it was was going to be the last one.

I examined the coins but couldn’t figure it out.  “What does this mean?” I asked someone standing nearby (it might have been Artie but I think it was someone different entirely).  Then I looked more closely at the coins and I realized what it was: they all had sea animals on it, and our next location was the aquarium.

“No.  No no no no.  I don’t want to go there ever again,” I said.  But everyone already left, and I knew I had to go there.


The aquarium wasn’t quite the aquarium that I remembered it to be.  It was more like a seafood market.  I wandered the halls, looking for something.  Eventually, I came across two big glass doors.  A little girl walked slowly up to the glass.  Floating behind her was what I first thought was a dead girl, but it turned out to be a jellyfish.  I opened the doors, and had to yell at her because all of a sudden, there were people around, talking.

I can’t remember what we talked about, but I do remember the jellyfish was trying to kill me.  Unfortunately for it, there was no water around, and it flopped and slid pathetically on the floor towards me while I shout-talked with the little girl.  She must’ve told me something important because the next thing I remember is I was on my way to the hospital.

I was on the phone with my mother.  I told her I figured everything out.  My ex, G., had been in an accident and was almost dead.  He was in the hospital, in a coma, and had been leaving my clues to try and communicate with me.  I didn’t know why though.  While talking with my mom, she told me she was in the hospital or that she was also headed to the hospital, and would check on him.  During our conversation, a  strange and distant but clear voice interrupted us and said something which I can’t even remember.  My mother didn’t hear it, but I heard it, and I knew it was G. sending me telepathic messages.  I told her I was on my way to the hospital to see him.

I got a ride from someone.  When I got there, the attendant at the hospital asked if we were there to see the swim races that day, and when I told him I needed to visit a patient in the hospital, he waved us in.  I went inside and wasn’t sure where he might be, but I figured he wasn’t on the first floor.  So I got in the elevator and pushed the 4 button.  I saw my mother through the glass windows/walls of the elevator, waving at me.  She somehow told me (maybe this was after, or maybe it was voice-over or something) that G. was located on the second floor.  She also said he was awake and had even walked over to the Visitor’s Area, waiting for me.

For some reason, I told her I would stay on the fourth floor for a bit.  I think I rationalized that since I was going to the fourth floor, I might as well “spend time” there before going down to the appropriate floor.  Unfortunately for me, I believe I forgot my original mission, and spent a stupid amount of time on the fourth floor.  In the end, I didn’t even see him in the hospital.

I suddenly remembered why I was there, and as I headed downstairs, I woke up.

Boyfriend dream

7 09 2012

Woke up and wrote this all down before I forgot because I think it’s a little special.

Boyfriend dream

I was in a relationship with my dashing friend Owen.  We also were on tour with the Vancouver Queer Film Festival, on their tour bus as they drove across the country (which they don’t do, of course).  At one stop, the QFF set up some promotional stuff in this town, including Owen’s contribution: a bright pink, glittering diorama featuring him and another girl on stage.  There was also some writing with the diorama explaining how super gay he was.

Owen’s mother was there, and he had not come out to his family yet.  I found her staring at her son’s very loud diorama, and went over to her.  I asked her about his singing and his songs.  She kept asking me, “When?” which confused me, and when I tried to clarify, she only repeated the same question: “When?”  I told her I hadn’t heard any of songs Owen had been writing, but that he had told me he was writing some songs last summer.

I walked off so she could absorb the news of son’s strange coming out.  There were also two other younger kids there with her, presumably her other children.

I texted Owen to “come here” since his family was there.  He didn’t respond.  Instead, the next thing I knew, he was standing with his family and talking with his dad.  It appeared they were arguing.  I stood a little way off, watching, knowing this wasn’t my place.  Both of us, and possibly everyone there, was dressed in black.  I was dressed in my uniform from Fifth Avenue.

Owen came over and said I should properly meet them.  He took my hand and confidently walks over to his family.  I, on the other hand, am a nervous wreck.  I look up at him, and his face is hard and determined, and I feel bad.  I ask him if it’s really appropriate/too much that we’re holding hands especially since his dad just got the news and isn’t okay with it, and we let our hands fall.

Owen introduced me to his father, who glared at me.  I knew he though I “corrupted” his son.  My lip trembled from being so nervous.  His dad said I was just a “sex hookup” and left.  I yelled back as he was leaving that Owen and I hadn’t even had sex yet, and that we were still together because loved each other.  I said goodbye to his family, and called his mother Alice (because we were totally bffs).  I told Owen his mom was much nicer/understand than his dad, while Owen struggles to genuflect awkwardly and for seemingly no reason at all.

That’s it.  I don’t actually know if Owen’s mom’s name is Alice but it would be freaky if it were.  I texted him today and told him I had a dream with him in it but he didn’t respond.  I’ll ask him about his mom later.

By the way, Owen has a girlfriend.  Or so he says.

Sister sister

29 06 2012

Had a few short dreams involving my sister last night (no, there was no incest).

In all the dreams, I was in my old, childhood house.  In the first one, there was a typhoon or a tropical storm or something coming.  Rain was pelting down on the roof, coming in through the cracks of our crumbling house.  I ran upstairs to get my sister.  She was in the shower in her bedroom (there was no shower in her bedroom in real life), and I opened the door and shouted at her to hurry up and get downstairs.  Although I evaded my eyes so I didn’t look at her, I caught a glimpse of her in the shower and saw that she was wearing a yellow, rubber rain poncho, as the water cascaded from both the showerhead and the rain in the sky.

In the second dream, my sister was sitting on the green couch in our living room.  She was laughing, and her mouth was full of blood, and some teeth were missing.

The last dream was the most lucid.  I was yet again in the living room with my sister on the couch.  I walked over to her, and I felt like I had a scarf tied on tightly.  She gestured to my neck.  I pulled at my neck, and pried apart two pairs of hands on my neck, which had been wrapped around my neck (creepy!).  As I leaned down to her, one pair of the hands covered her nose and mouth, while the other covered mine.  Seeing how we’d both suffocate, I pulled the one hand covering her nose down to her mouth, freeing her nose.  Then, I moved the hand covering my mouth to my nose.  I strangely believed that we would somehow be able to have a functioning respiratory system since we both had a nose and a mouth free to breathe.  Without exchanging words this entire time, we tried to inhale and exhale, but it didn’t work, and we laughed a bit.

At this point, I realized I was dreaming and decided that this dream was getting to weird for me (this might have happened in the previous dream.  I can’t exactly recall).  I told myself to wake up and began slapping myself repeatedly while trying to run away from my sister, who I thought would get me or something.  However, as in all my dreams, I run as if running on molasses — super slowly.  So there I was, trying to get away from her while hitting my face.  At that point, I wondered if I was, in reality, slapping my own face in my bedroom, and thought that would be a funny sight.  As I turned around to see if my sister was going to chase me (she was just writhing on the couch), I jumped up off the porch of my house and into the air.

I woke up, not hitting myself (disappointingly), but in a hot sweat, evidence that I was having a bad dream.

i am a 12 year old girl, going to die

26 05 2012


I found myself at this carnival/festival-type event, running away from something.  I had climbed up to a high tower/platform thing that overlooked the festivities below, namely a cartoonish-looking green alligator in a small tank, swimming around on command by an animal trainer.  Somehow during my escape, I was no longer myself — what I mean, is I was no longer a 23 year-old, male.  I turned into a very young, about 12 or something, girl.  This is not very relevant to what will happen next, but for whatever reason, it still happened.

The event was bordered by a large body of water, and I had to get across it somehow.  I fashioned a piece of something into a boat of some sort, and started paddling away.  There was a small, spider-like machine on the water (I had recently watched an analysis of Wild Wild West that day, and there’s a spider-machine thing in the movie).  I stayed away from it, but there was something else happening on the water.  Ahead of me, canoers were paddling back to shore, and the water itself was “jumping” — something was in the water.  Suddenly, a narrator’s voice interrupted the scene.  I can’t even remember if the voice was male or female, but it said how the water was dangerous and that everyone was heading back to shore.  So I reluctantly headed back too.

Once back on land, I was then informed by the narrator that anyone who was in the water would die because the water was contaminated or poisonous or something or rather.  Distraught and upset that my 12 years was cut short, I went to find a telephone to phone my mother.  In the crowded, noisy space where everyone had gathered, I found a telephone that was being watched over by Ms. Pillsbury from Glee.  I asked her if I could use the phone to talk to my mom, and she said I better be quick.

With difficulty, I dialed home.  My mom picked up.  Through tears and sobbing, I told her I was going to die because I had been in the water.  She expressed little to no remorse.  When she asked how I knew, I told her, “Because the narrator said so.”  I also somehow “knew” that Shopper’s Drug Mart had contaminated the water, and they would be held responsible.  “Just get the money from Shopper’s Drug Mart,” she said, implying that after I had died, there would be money to be had from suing Shoppers for killing me.  I cried more on the phone and hung up.

I woke up shortly after, very much sad, and before going to the bathroom, I went to the kitchen, where my mom was drinking tea, and hugged her.

Then I told her my dream and she laughed.


4 05 2012

Found this in my pile of everything.  I vaguely remember parts of it, but this is mainly gibberish to me.


– Moo + friend sad.  In PE uniform

– at Maple Grove. Lily, in all dark leather, like my jacket, calls me kitty.  Driking strange shrimp soup with friends + Moo

– Joanne going for bubble tea with guy + sister.  12:48 but Joanne says almost 2.

– walking wtih Gerry near Granville Street.  It is all water @ 49th, 1 tree in distance.  Kaori said, “Let’s become creepy stalky (?) neighbours, minus the creepy and stalky.”

– go for swim.  Nice.  Warm.  People in boats around us.  Stage nearby.  Setting up show?

– kiss Gerry.  Out of water.  Lots of stuff to buy.

– lots of blank CDs, clothing, books, stationary.  Everything.  “Have I died and gone to heaven?”

– Gerry talking about finding something.  Wha is this place?  Alice in Wonderland + Dollar Giant logo.  Do you want anything?  More looking.

– somehow Ewan McGregor film.  Goes to jail, two pigs in green come to see his mom. It’s normal.  “Your son is in jail,” letter says.

– “That’s how you met dad.”  NO!  It wasn’t.  He wrote a note but it’s useless now without him.  “Why couldn’t he meet father?”

– shoot his own balls off.  Ben Mulroney, stop him!  He didn’t find you because you had the note in the envelope all this time.  Strange time-traveling thing.  Just listen to me and you can blow your balls off!!!!

Inception music playing.  Dramatic.

– strugglin, old coins as bullets.

Fiery archangel

27 03 2012

March 27th, 2012


It was all over the news: superheroes: they existed after all!  And by superheroes, I mean like X-Men.  They had powers and everything and everyone was really curious about who these people were.  Somehow, I found myself in my elementary school’s gymnasium where two or three other people sat on stools and were being interviewed.  Someone thrusted me onto the last stool and as they talked (I don’t remember about what), I didn’t know what to do.  They all talked in a row and when it got to me, I said to them and the small audience gathered in front of us, “If I knew more about the subject I would say something but I don’t.  Excuse me.”  I promptly left the building.

Sometime before the interview, I figured out I had powers.  I was going around throwing fireballs from my hand– created by saying, “Fireball!” and then two fiery orbs would appear in my palms, ready to be thrown– at some sort of enemy.  Now freed from the gym, I ran a bit then jumped.  My large, white wings filled the sky and I was airborne, clearing fence after fence.  Unfortunately for me, I couldn’t go very high (as I always find myself limited in my dreams like that), and realized there was someone chasing me; not an enemy, but more of an annoying civilian.  I tried to fly away and it appeared I was going at a decent speed but I suppose not because I could always hear his voice not very far behind me.  I had this image of giving up and hiding myself in a pile of blankets and pillows, only to be discovered by that annoying guy, and I think it actually did happen.  Add in some more scenes of me flying around to houses and trying to throw some more fireballs around and that’s about it.

I wish I were an X-Men.  Or rather, I wish I had powers.