Gay dating woes

21 12 2014

Is there something wrong with me? – 19 (Coquitlam )

Do you ever wonder what the hell is wrong with you? Why you’re the one that’s stuck single?
Well I do. And often.
What makes the other guy so special? Why is he with him and not me? In my case I feel it has to be something more than good looks because I know I have physical appeal and I also know what type of guys I like.
I’m gay, 19, and live in Coquitlam. I expect nothing from this post other than an open forum to hopefully sympathize with others.

In my past I’ve had one serious relationship. It lasted approximately 3 months. I was his first guy, and the first guy he introduced to his family. It died off pretty fast as we were in different stages of life and had different interests and priorities. This was over a year ago. Since then I’ve had multiple casual intimate encounters with several different guys (I’m pretty comfortable with myself). Some were super hot and some not as much. But they all never once struck me as “boyfriend material” as we like to say. I’ve also been through some painfully awkward dates. Still, no results.

So, like any other, I’ve resorted to this, and grindr, and plenty of fish, and checking missed connections. Desperate right? I’m not really looking for nsa sex, it doesn’t interest me.

Why is it that most gays are scared of commitment and , or is it just that we are all just too egotistical to even meet each other on a friend to friend basis without having to know who’s top and who’s bottom.

Regards, the confused gay.

My response:
Hey there,

First of all, no, there is nothing wrong with you. Also, I’d point out that you’re 19 and although you may feel like you’ve been single forever, you still have a lot of time. Sure, I was a bit desperate when I started dating at 19, especially seeing my friends in relationships and me trying and failing time and time again. But you still have years to date and find someone (or, let’s face it, possibly continue being single too).

I don’t think there is just one reason why it’s so hard to find a decent guy in this city. Part of it is where you look. Grindr and Craigslist don’t exactly attract guys looking for relationships (guys on Plenty of Fish are more serious though, but of course luck is involved). And maybe the simplest answer is that there are so fewer gay guys than straight guys that it also means there are fewer good gay guys. Unfortunately.

Why are guys scared of commitment? Again, I think it’s a number of different things. Part of it is that they simply don’t want relationships. I think a lot of guys have been hurt in relationships and are in a sort of in-between stage, where they’re just floundering around, hooking up while also looking for a relationship and hoping their sexual adventures lead somewhere. That’s where I was a few years ago (and sort of still am, to a much lesser extent). Lastly, I think the perception of other gay men plays a big part in what we want for ourselves. If all gay guys are out having NSA sex and this is perceived to be the norm, then others might do the same. I don’t know for sure how gay men view long-term relationships, but I can see some thinking that it’s too much effort, that they don’t want to get tied down to anything when there are so much hot guys out there to bang, or that they work so much that they don’t have time for a relationship (a friend of mine has claimed this). There’s a plethora of reasons out there.

Sorry to hear things haven’t been going that great. I completely understand and empathize with you. Gay men are shallow pigs, most of whom don’t know how to spell and have proper grammar (though I suppose most guys in general are like that). That’s the way things are, unfortunately. That being said, I’ve met a lot of cool gay guys who I can say are my friends. Not many, but at least I know they exist (and I didn’t have to know their sexual position either). It’s just hard to find the right circles where you fit in.

When those guys you had “intimate encounters” with not come across as boyfriend material to you? I have a theory about dating that I could share with you and I think it would be helpful, but it’s getting a bit late and since I’m an old man, I gotta go to bed soon (I’m not actually that old! I just turned 26 a few days ago), so I can tell you some other time if you’d like. In the meantime, I hope some of what I said was applicable to your situation in some way. Have a good night, and talk with ya later





One response

23 12 2014

I agree with most of what was said. I also think that, if you want to be in love, no matter how many say youre young and have so much ahead of you, your heart still wants what it wants. I can respect you for saying you want something more serious. The hard part is defining what “more serious” really looks like and committing to finding that so strongly that the NSA and low-committment threshold distractions don’t get in your way.

If you want love and relationship, go for it and don’t settle for anything less. You deserve it.

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