Can’t come out

Had the opportunity to explain my memoir I’m working on to a couple of people, and I described it as my life growing up in Vancouver… in a traditional Chinese family… and although the next thing I should have said was that I’m also gay, which I think is a major issue that I write about, and even though the thought flashed in my mind like a giant neon sign, I couldn’t say it. I was just so self-aware with labeling myself as gay that I couldn’t say it. And it isn’t the first time, but looking back now, I know they probably wouldn’t have cared (and maybe they would’ve even found it interesting). It sucks and it’s ironic because in my creative writing classes, I’ve written about gay things and being gay so much that I’m sure everyone is sick of me being so gay. Yet in the real world, I can’t even say the words sometimes. I know coming out is always difficult, but why is it always such a struggle? Will I ever be able to come out to people and just say it without overthinking it and being so self-conscious about it?

Ugh. I need sleep.