Good Morning, Heartache (Part 6)

11 04 2012

Good Morning, Heartache (Part 6)

So, as I was saying, things didn’t seem over.

As Jake is hanging out with a friend a couple days later, he gets a text from Heath.

“You know, there are still some things I want to talk about.”

Jake looks at his phone in surprise.  Maybe he was wrong about Heath not being the winning-back type.  Besides, what could Heath want to talk about?  Wasn’t everything already all talked out?

The two meet at school the next day.  They walk to a bench and have a seat.  Jake is nervous and excited at the same time, but Heath seems unreadable again.  Jake wonders how Heath has been taking the breakup.

“You know I don’t want to hurt you anymore,” Heath starts.

“Don’t you see you’re hurting me by doing this?”

Heath looks at Jake.  “I know.  Sometimes, there’s just no easy way.

“I just don’t know what else I can do.  And I know that you don’t want an open relationship or are into polyamory.”

A few months ago, Heath randomly asked Jake one day, “This is completely hypothetical and I’m not insinuating anything, so please don’t get any ideas, okay?  Question: how do you feel about open relationships?”

The answer was fast and simple for Jake.  “I think it can work for some people, and that’s great for them.  But for me, I wouldn’t want to be in one because I wouldn’t like the idea of the guy I’m seeing or who I love to be going around and having sex with anyone other than me.  And what if it goes further?  What if these two start dating and exclude the other person?  It can’t be balanced.  Being in an open relationship would make me feel insecure, like I’m doing something wrong or that I’m not good enough.”

“Okay, okay, good points.  I have another question, and again, it’s completely hypothetical.  What do you think about polyamory?”

Again, Jake’s response is quick as an instinct.  “That’s even worse!  If there’s love involved– how is anyone supposed to love two or more people equally?  Someone’s bound to get screwed over.”

At the time, Jake never asked Heath why he was asking these questions, but in hindsight, it certainly suggested something.  Since Jake’s stance on open relationships and polyamorous relationships hadn’t changed much, if at all, he doesn’t say anything.

Usually, Heath was the chatty one, always going on about something.  But now, there is a lot of silence between them.  Although Jake is fond of silence, coming from Heath, it doesn’t seem like a good sign.  It feels as though Heath is giving up.

“I just want… an excuse–” Jake tries.

“Excuse?”

“A reason.  I just want a reason for us to be together.  I feel like there’s a solution to this, but I… I don’t know what it is.”

“Sometimes, there just isn’t one, ” Heath states with neutrality.

They talk for a bit more while watching and listening to old people play golf on the golf course in front of them.

“So I guess that’s it?”

“I think so.”

Again, Jake feels nothing.  The words are sad, and he feels a bit sad, but no tears.  Strange.  They always cry in the movies at breakups.

“Well, I’m going to go home now,” Jake says, wanting to leave the situation.

“Alright.  I’m going to be here a while, so you go ahead.”

Jake starts to get up.  “Wait.”  He feels a tug on his sleeve, and sits back down.

Heath looks at Jake, deep in his eyes, and kisses him one last time.  Jake kisses him back passionately, only to be left wanting more as Heath pulls away.

“Goodbye.”

“Goodbye.”

The 22nd of July is coming up, which would’ve been their 10 months together.  They had broken up days before, and with the day coming up soon, Jake is sad that Heath won’t be there.  After much deliberation, he texts Heath and asks if he’d like to hang out on the 22nd, to which Heath agrees.

They meet nearby Jake’s place and go for ice cream, which Jake knows Heath loves.  Heath doesn’t have any ice cream, though, and Jake eats his uncomfortably.  After, they can’t decide what to do or where to go, so Jake suggests going back to his place and watching a movie.  Heath politely agrees again, and they walk back.

While it appears that Jake has ulterior motives to lure Heath back to his place, he doesn’t.  Remember that to him, he doesn’t feel like they’re split up, even though he knows they have.  Back in Jake’s room, Jake reminds Heath of the no-outside-pants-on-bed rule.

“So you can either take off your pants or use my sweatpants.”

“I’ll take the sweatpants.”

Jake is surprised.  Heath seems tough as nails.  It’s only been about a week.  Could it really be possible that Heath is over Jake so quickly?  Could almost 10 months of love be whisked out the window?

The movie Jake picks is a gay-themed movie where after a loving gay couple split up, one tries to win the other back.  Other than the fact that the movie is fantastic in its own right, Jake wants Heath to watch for this scene.

Unfortunately, out of the corner of his eye, Jake notices Heath falling asleep, tired.  Jake stops the movie.

“Tired?  Do you want to sleep a bit?”

Heath nods sleepily.  Jake shuffles out of his bed, so Heath can lie down.  He feels awkward staying in the room with Heath, so he decides to take his computer out into the kitchen to work on some homework while Heath sleeps.  Jake checks in on Heath a few times, and fights off the urge to crawl in next to him and wrap his arms around the boy he probably still loves.

Eventually, Heath lies awake when Jake comes in.

“You feeling better?” Jake asks.

Heath nods.  Jake sits next to him, and succumbs.  He touches Heath’s arm, and looks at Heath for a response.  There is none.  Jake doesn’t go further, though.

Heath gets up and switches Jake’s sweatpants for his jeans.  Jake turns away, giving Heath privacy, but also aware that things have changed.  He walks over to Heath, up close– so close, their noses touch, just like they used to do.  Jake hesitates to kiss Heath, and instead, kisses him on the cheek.

Nothing.  There is absolutely no response from Heath.  He couldn’t have been a better statue.

How can you resist me so much?  Do you really not like me anymore?Jake thinks over and over again.

Distraught, Jake sits down on the bed, and puts his hands in his face.  He senses Heath staring, but not doing anything still.

“Heath, I… I still want you.”  And then the tears come.  Well, Jake’s eyes get teary.  He looks up at Heath with blurry vision, and sees Heath looking back.  Heath walks over and, still standing up, hugs Jake, bringing Jake’s head to Heath’s stomach.  Jake holds Heath there for a longer-than-usual hug, listening to Heath’s heartbeat through his red zip-up hoodie.

At last, Jake lets him go, and wipes his eyes.  Heath goes over to his bag and opens it.  He takes out something blue, and hands it to Jake.

Remember when Jake wanted Heath to show him he cared?  Well, Jake lent a book to him called Boy Meets Boy, which was one of Jake’s favourite books of all-time.  In it, the main character shows the boy he likes that, well, he likes him, by way of things such as making him bouquets of paper flowers, having friends give him rolls of film, serenading him with a friend’s song, etc.  He hoped Heath would learn a lesson about showing others how you feel.

Now here’s Heath, handing it back to him.  Jake looks at it sadly, and takes it from him, wondering if Heath read it at all.

“I should go,” Heath says.

Jake shrugs.  What he wants to say is, “You don’t have to” but he feels Heath’s neutrality is clear.

When Heath leaves through the front door, there is no goodbye kiss like they used to do.  There is no “I’ll talk to you tonight” like they used to say.  It’s silence, and the silence begins the heartache.

Because silence consists of things unsaid.  Unknowns.

Silence, like a cancer, grows.

To be continued!


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