The Meaning of Life (part 11)

23 09 2010

“Gay?”  I finished for him.  This time, Matt was the one being careful that no one heard us.  “So what if I am?  Is it so bad?”  Anger began to grow in me as I shouted the words at him.

“Anyways, I did what anyone in my position should,” he continued.  “I phoned the police and had him…” Again, Matt hung his head and I was horrified.

“They…killed him?”  I stuttered the words as tears flowed out of my eyes and down my cheeks, leaving a wet trail.  Matthew only nodded.  He tried to convince me that it was the best thing to do.

“If anyone found out, you would be killed too, Jeremy.  I saved your life.  You should be thanking me, not being mad.  You are gay, aren’t you?”  I was sick of hiding myself to everyone and I might as well admit it, even if it was to my best friend who got my first love murdered.

“Yes, Matt, I am gay!  There, is that what you want?  Do you want me to spell it out for you too?  G-A…”

“Shut up, Jeremy, before anyone hears us!  We could…”

“Be murdered like Sean?!”  More tears welled up in my eyes and I began to sob uncontrollably.  I buried my hands in my face so that no one could see.  A pair of arms wrapped themselves around me.  I wanted to push them away, but I was too caught up in crying.

“His parents moved back to Canada, but listen, Jeremy, there was also another reason why I did what I did,” he whispered in my ear.  I said nothing.

“It’s because, I…like you too.  I mean, I really like you; in the way Sean liked you.”  When I heard this, I stopped and looked at him through blurred vision.  He offered a weak smile but I glared at him in return.  He continued.

“I was jealous that he was able to be so open with you.  I envied the way he spoke so carelessly!  I wanted ask you if you wanted to come over to my house.  I wanted to be everything Sean was.  But, unlike Sean, I was smart enough to know that this love is wrong and a sin.  Being gay is a sin, Jeremy.  You should know that by now.  I want to be with you, but it’s not worth the risk.  Do you understand what I’m talking about?”

I nodded and asked to be left alone.  After Matt deserted me, I absorbed everything he said to me.  Matt killed Sean because he didn’t want me to die but also because he was jealous of us; yet he refused for us to have anything.  What a coward.

Back in the classroom, I put my head down.  I was sick of this world; well actually, I was sick of this country.  I hated it here.  Canada, on the other hand, seemed like the ideal place to go.  If only there was some way to get there…

“Jeremy, what is the meaning of life?”  Mr. Salice’s loud voice rang through the room.  I raised my head off the desk and looked at him through half-open eyes.  I thought for a minute and answered.

To be continued!



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